The Monkey Cage

:-) Hey

2011-05-23T21:43:00.000-07:00

This blog is STILL here!? :-)

GOOD - it was fun!

Hello it's me.

2009-09-14T01:23:00.001-07:00

:-)

Wow.

Is this thing on???

Monkey Does Poetry

2007-10-30T10:02:00.000-07:00

Nose Cut - by Monkey

Night...draped over the sleeping Earth like a huge eternal bedspread
The moon provides crystal clear visions of beauty despite the blur of time.
unfogged untainted love surrounds her face with her hair flowing like a timeless ancient river.
Rushing thoughts and stale memories surround our love
She strokes my cock gently like the morning sun caressing the dew-covered Earth.
I ask her if she'll sit on my face and let me tongue-fuck her while she plays with her clit, she complies.
Her womanly juices coat my mouth and face. Flowing. Timeless.
A sweet aroma of womanly beauty. Ancient yet new and exciting. Carnal.
Her sweet fingers work over her clit and her crimson painted fingernail is scratching my nose but she doesn't realize it.
fuck.
That hurts. Madness risen from Hell. Pain. Slicing, skin cells screaming silently.
I try and move my face away but she is now riding it.
Heaving breath and gasps from her mouth above me warn me she is close. Like a distant crash of thunder on the prairie warns of an afternoon storm.
Rhythm of love. Nightfall. Panting. Won't this bitch either cum or is her flying fingernail going to scar me for life.
She screams out. Ecstasy. Pure. I scream out. Painful. Primal.
Then silence falls upon the night as she collapses off of me onto the bed.
Silence heavy like the wool of an old sweater finally fills the room.
Rushing in the heavy darkness for the bathroom mirror I find a familiar face staring back at me. A face coated in still-fresh juices and sure as fuck there's a scratch on my nose from her stupid Lee Nails.

October 15th, 2009

2007-10-15T19:55:00.000-07:00

If I ever commit suicide, I'm going to swan dive off of an interstate overpass, that way, weary travelers would say "Holy FUCK! A guy just dived into the freeway!" - this will get them all excited, and more importantly, wake them up so they don't fall asleep at the wheel, that way, my death may save other lives.
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I think it would suck if you were a serial killer and you stabbed someone 47 times because you wanted the press and the police to call you "The 47 Killer" or some other cool serial killer nickname, but you accidentally stabbed someone in the same place twice, and so when they counted they only counted 46 stabs - so you don't get the credit, and you now look like an idiot. Way to go idiot.
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October 5th I think

2007-10-05T12:35:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to all you women who realize to some guys your ASS and all involved are just as hot as the rest of your sweet parts. (Damn!)
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My girlfriend knows astrology and she said I was a Scorpio, a DOUBLE-Scorpio, and therefore this explains my super-freaky high sex drive. I told her I was a Scorpio with a penis rising. (I guess we're immature also)
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I think there's two parts of homeschooling that would really really suck;
1) You feel kind of bad when you start having hot teacher-student fantasies and popping a woody in class 'cause that's your mother man!
2) You can't really go in the bathroom and smoke some Chronic like at a regular school.

Today's October something

2007-10-03T09:23:00.001-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to that lady down the street with all the cats.
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I think if a meth cook moved in a few doors down in your neighborhood, instead of bringing over some flowers or cookies for a "welcome to the neighborhood" present it'd be better if you just took your lazy ass over there to say hello and brought over all the sudafed in your house.
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I think it'd be confusing if you were locked up in a mental institution and you became really good at dipping your finger in feces and drawing on your walls of your cell and the guards and other patients would say "That looks like shit!" - are they talking about your art or how you did it? This would drive you even further crazy trying to figure this out and you might end up in there even longer buddy boy!

October 2nd, 1979

2007-10-02T08:32:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to all you Monkey Cage readers who have wondered where the Monkey went. Good question. Starting off slow but gonna get this thing rollin'!
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I think if you were one of those mystical magical gurus from India and you were constantly talking about opening your students brown eye instead of their third eye you may lose some "customers"
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Monkey Tip of the Day: Why spend all that money on CD burners? Just put the CD into your toaster - they fit in there well and it works!

Today's February 9th, 1964

2007-02-09T15:16:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Anna Nicole Smith. I fucked her to death.
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At a friend's house in her bathroom was a can of spray called "After The Rain" - I was thinking a better name for it would be "After The Shit"
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If I were an old west prospecter 49'er dude, when I went off to work in the morning I'd kiss my wife goodbye and end up down at the Dusty Boot, sippin' whiskey all day and fucking skanky horny-but-ugly bar whores, then I'd go home and say to my wife "I found nothing" - and have her rub my feet - because my dogs are SORE from working that dad-blasted mine all day.
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When the Monkey was a kid, I'd sometimes snag a quarter out of the collection plate as it went around the church and use it to help me buy cigarettes or weed. Now I know this was very, VERY wrong - because chances are the quarter really was put in there by my brother a few seats down. Sorry brother.

02/05/1977

2007-02-05T02:05:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the yummy Aishwarya Rai of India. The Monkey would drink her bath water.
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It may SEEM like a good idea, but it's NOT a good idea to pull down that baby-changing station thingy in the ladie's room to take a nappy-nappy at Sears. People get down-right upset about that.
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So this brother asked me if he could hold five dollars - I said no problem - and then he TOOK the money!
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If I were that Jesus Christ guy with his connections when new hot chicks showed up in Heaven I'd be like - "I know my Dad says you can on the right side, but he's not around and I swear I'll let you into Heaven if you sit on my face for a moment"?
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I think if I were ever going to prison for a long time, just for the hell of it I'd see if I could smuggle in a turd - up my ass - to see if they'd catch me in the search, and if I made it inside I'd tell my cell mates - "I smuggled in some really good shit"

A sign of life

2007-02-02T00:48:00.000-08:00

Today's tiny sign-of-life blog is dedicated to YOU
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I think it would suck if you were a doctor talking to a patient and you accidently said "...it's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.." and then realized the patient you were speaking to had his eye gouged out with a sharp stick.
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I think it would suck if you were an old west pioneer headed across the plains and you were getting a nice hot blowjob by your snaggle-toothed bonnet-wearing pioneer wife and that stupid guy "Hoss" you let drive the wagon train hits one of those confounded bumps!

12/19/06

2006-12-19T19:57:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to you women that have the sweet darker colored pussy lips - amost black in parts. Yummy. Short stuff today.
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Signs the Monkey might be poor: I'm buying coffee - I buy the "three for $5.00 coffee and the labels is something like "Jim & Carl's Coffee - Good Value since 1862" - not "good COFFEE since 1862 but good VALUE!
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I think it'd be funny if I were a clown in the circus if I drove out in the middle of the big top in one of those fucked-up clown cars, and I got out of it, and my clown buddy got out of it too. Get it? Only TWO clowns get out of the clown car!?
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I also think it'd be funny to drive that same clown car into the middle of the big top, and then have my clown girlfriend with the bright orange hair start gobbling away at my big hard clown cock, with her head bobbing up and down (sure some kids in the audience would be shocked, but what the fuck it'd be funny and I'd cum on her pretty red clown nose.
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I'd like to get ahold of one of those little fuckin' hot spoiled Hollywood brat young ladies like Parisite Hilton or Sarah Jessica Parker, and show 'em what lovin's all about: from a 42 year old horny hard-core southern gentleman workin' class monkey slut for one weekend and they'd leave Hollywood for workin' class America in a heartbeat.

Almost Christmas?

2006-12-12T23:42:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to you women who wear your sexy hot high-heeled boots even in the winter for us perverts.
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I think if you were a devil down in Hell, it would suck if you accidently told your devil friends that you wanted to be called by the cool nickname "Dirt" - because although it sounds cool, you'd get tired of the "Dirt Devil" cracks from the other devils and them saying you suck.
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I think it would suck if you were in the Old West and you worked for the local undertaker and it was YOUR job to run out in the middle of gun fights to measure dead cowboys for coffins.
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If you drove around in an Albertsons car, every time you went to Albertsons to shop the cashier would ask "Do you have an Albertsons Card" and you'd be like "Yeah I DO!" (thinking they said "Albertsons CAR") it'd get confusing as hell and you'd end up selling the car. It was lame anyway.
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In the Christian Bible they always talk about how great heaven is, but in Country songs they always sing about the mythical "Whiskey River" and honkey tonk bars.
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I think it would suck if you were calling the FedEx automated package tracking system on the phone and you had to enter the tracking number: 2299388111000033399972618472937261728399271111882873728370044837329 followed by the # sign.

12/06 1943

2006-12-05T09:43:00.000-08:00

Today's short blog is dedicated to Sparks. What a drink.
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I think if you were a girl born with eight vaginas - at first you'd think it sucked to be you, and you'd cry yourself to sleep each night - but I think within a few years you'd be proud of it and actually traveling with the circus as "The Amazing Octopuss" girl. (thanks Lynn!)
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There's always someone at work who when they sit down to eat lunch has to make a big production out of bowing their heads, closing their eyes, and giving thanks to their god. And I give thanks to their god also because THIS is when the Monkey moves in swiftly and silently from across the cafeteria and steal their food.
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Dear Moody Blues: Why in the FUCK are you singing about knights in white satin?
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So I realize the other day I'm out of money and my cat is crying she wants food. Oops. I thought how cats LOVE fish, and fish eat fish food, so I personally thought it was brilliant when I came up with giving the cat some fish food...and dogs love peanut butter (no comment) so why wouldn't a cat!? I was proud of myself but the next morning what was still in "Osama Bin Kitty's" food bowl untouched?? Fish food and peanut butter! Finicky bitch.

11/27 2009

2006-11-27T08:04:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to yer Mama. All silly repeats today.
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Signs you may be in a nasty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they initialed it in human shit with their finger
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I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
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I think one part of the Americana Hobo history that doesn't get glorified (or even mentioned) is the days when the hobos on the train would gather in the box car and suck each other's wine/urine/sweat smelling nasty hobo cocks.
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I think back in the old days if your friends showed up at your house and said "You wanna go get stoned?" - you'd have to be careful..."You mean....with rocks?" you better ask.
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If I were a super hero - when people made cracks about why I'm wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes I'd smash their faces into a million pieces with my fist - that shit gets REALLY old.
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I like to think that deep, deep in the ocean, there is an Octopus that is filled with love for ALL beings on Earth - a wondrous, all-loving being this Octopus is - but he's so far down at the bottom of the ocean - what good is he to any of us? Fuck him I say.

11/15/06 - Butterbean returns

2006-11-15T09:07:00.000-08:00

I realized it's been many mango seasons since I've told the infamous story of Butterbean - long-time readers I KNOW it's one of your favorite Monkey stories - and so I tell it again this Wednesday morning. And if it's a new story to you, you'll enjoy sipping your morning coffee while reading it - I feel sure. Gather around children, and listen to the tale of Butterbean:

I had a redneck friend growing up that had a friend nicknamed "Butterbean"

WHY did they call him Butterbean?

Because he made the mistake of telling his buddies that he and his girlfriend had tried anal sex. He said everything was cool until he pulled it out and found an actual real-life butterbean stuck on the end of his dick.

From this day forward this guy was forever known as "Butterbean - I don't even remember what his real name WAS.

Guys - don't tell your buddies stuff like that - okay?

11/13/07

2006-11-13T10:51:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Glen Campbell, when I was a little Monkey, my mother just LOVED Glen Campbell, and I didn't really get it. Now I hear some of his music and say "Wow!" Thanks Mama! Half new today!
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If I were a cat, instead of covering my poop in my litter box with the littr, I'd scratch and throw my poop outside of the litter box! I'd bet my owners would think this gag was HILARIOUS!
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If I just joined a monastery and the next morning the other monks came by at 4 AM to wake me for morning prayers and meet me – I’d yell through the door “Jesus Christ it’s 4 fuckin’ AM in the morning! You fuckers get up THIS early to pray!? Goddamn!!” (Of course REALLY I’d be ready to get up and pray with them – but this would be a great way to break the ice when they found out I was only joking.)
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So I go to use some Bathroom Cleaner on my toilet and I sprayed it in the toilet like the directions said and THEN the directions say "Leave for 1-3 hours". And wouldn't you know it was raining outside!? (But I went out anyway like a good Monkey)
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Ladies, when we're eating your pussies here's the deal: have the pillow down there IMMEDIATELY for us to prop under your ass for better access to your sweetness - don't make us waste precious seconds by having to ask for it.
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So Saturday night I told that hot bartender lady that I really wanted to have sex on the beach, and she brought me a drink, so I took my drink down to the beach and waited for her all night but she never showed up. Bitch.
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I think it would suck if you were one of those Nazi dudes and you had the arm band SS insignia patch and your dumb blonde wife Gertrude had accidently sewn it on sideways and it said "MM", and you were meeting with Hitler in a meeting that very morning, Hitler wouldn't be amused and he'd yell and scream "What the fuck ist dis!!!? Was IST DIS!!?"

Monkey Birthday

2006-11-09T09:33:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to you - putting up with repeats yet again.
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Don’t you hate it when you’ve been up all night knockin’ back shots of tequila at the tittie bar and you’ve only had about an hours sleep before work – but you go to work anyway, half-drunk and hung over and you can’t keep your eyes open –and your boss just WON'T let up on you or leave you alone: “United Airlines 419 – please adjust your altitude and bearing!” yeah yeah yeah whatever. “United Airlines 419 do you copy?!” – leave me ALONE!
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If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grand kids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
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If I were an alien who landed on the Earth in my spaceship, I'd wait until all the greeny bleeding-hearts got up to the door of the UFO and blast them all into oblivion, now I'm sorry, but if I were an alien I'd be sick and tired of people thinking they can just "talk to us" or "REASON" with us - that's all Hollywood man - I'll fuckin' kill all of you human bastards like they did in UFO movies back in the 50's!!!
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The Monkey Wonders...what ever happened to the good ol' days, when people used to tie each other to railroad tracks? That's a dying, lost art and I'd like to see a comeback.
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How come you women always pick then MAN’S UNDERWEAR up off the floor by the bed after sex to wipe the cum off your breasts, neck and face? YOUR underwear is down there on the floor too! That’s just rude.
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If I were one of those "Therapy Dolphins" that people pay so much money to "swim with and be touched" - I'd swim up behind one of those hot hippy chicks and ever so gently nuzzle my long pointy dolphin nose in between her legs and I'd get by nose under her little yellow bikini bottom - at first she'd jump but then she'd relax and open her legs a little and that's when I'd get the tip of my dolphin nose right up against her little hard clit and I'd make those really cool clicking sounds and this would drive her crazy. Ahhh, therapy.
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If I ran a dildo manufacturing factory when I fired people I'd say - "You just don't know dick"
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I was in a bar the other night where they have those young beautiful bouncing "barely-legal" eye candy bartenders and she brings me a drink she'd invented for me to try. I take a sip - it sucked. (But of course I told the poor thing it was "Great!") and asked the name - get this now - "Citron My Face"

11/06/06

2006-11-06T00:58:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Vanessa Marcil
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I've been learning about Astronomy lately - and guess what - on Jupiter I weigh 482.5 lbs!!! (Unless maybe those scales there were wrong!?)
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I think if you were a kid, and were very lonely, with no real adult interaction or friends - it'd probably NOT a good thing to go to Adult Friend Finder to find one...
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I'm thinking Thomas Edison probably thought he was just the coolest with his new Electric Light invention but the fun and games were over quickly when he got that first electric bill!
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That Visa lady on the phone doesn't much care for it when she says "Mr. Monkey when can we expect a full payment from you sir?" and I answer "When can I expect YOU to slobber and suck on my big 9 inch fat swollen Monkey cock ma'am"
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Okay since I'm doing Thomas Edison bits I bring out an old favorite: If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " Once i was rally drunk I was going to buy a pack of smokes, instead I must have gone a very wrong direction, becasuse the next morning I woke up in a field with cows." (Yeah whatever, we've all been found in a field of cows the next morning - and we all try that 'wrong turn looking for the store' excuse - Monkey
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Folks at your work will love you if you cook your bag of popcorn in the microwave for 9 minutes on high power - then take the smoldering, smoking bag to your desk and actually start eating it.

Halloween, 2006

2006-10-31T09:41:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to all the people tonight who later on will be GOBLIN on their mates. ONE new one today the rest is repeats.
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If I were a tightrope walker in the circus my theme song that would play when I came out would be a remake of a Johnny Cash hit - modified - "I Walk The Twine"
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A survey by the American Psychological Society says this is the most memorable moment in any person's life is a person's first kiss. I have to agree - I'll never forget her - she was dark haired...the most beautiful eyes..intelligent...sensual. I kissed her and she kissed me back - with tongue! Unfortunately it wasn't a long kiss because my mother interrupted us - she'd seen us from the kitchen window "Get away from that dog!!!" she yelled.
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If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your stash, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your stash and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?" you'd scream
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I've always wanted to go into a mental institution and yell at the people: "Have you all LOST YOUR MINDS!?"
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Bad phone/cyber sex:
Guy: "So baby tell me what you're wearing right now?"
Girl: "I'm wearing a red flannel nightgown that I got online from Sears. It's 100% soft cotton flannel and I got it on sale the other day when my friend Jackie and I went shopping at the Bridgewood Mall over on Carson street. She said it was too much, even on sale, but she always says shit like that. They had sold out on all the pink ones or so they SAY. I asked the sales clerk if she minded checking in the back for pink ones and she was like..."I GUESS" and rolled her eyes. She went away for about five seconds and was back. I know damned well she didn't go check. And Jackie said she saw her just walk over and talk to another bitch sales clerk for a few seconds and then came back. After that I was tempted to not buy anything there, but the red one wasn't so bad and I'd just paid some on my Sears card so I did have credit."
Girl: You there?
Girl: Hello?

10/26

2006-10-26T02:44:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the Allman Brothers. (And to Paul, the Indian kid)
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If I were ever a screw - I've decided I would not want to be that screw that holds the little drain thing down in the bottom of a urinal. People purposely pee on your head.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "there's this indian kid i know named paul... man what a jerk. sometimes i just want to smash his face in."
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Doesn't it suck when you're paying $5.99 a minute for hot phone sex and she says she's laying on her bed doing herself hard with a big glass dildo and you hear a voice on her end of the phone saying "Ma'am that's a Whopper Jr., large fries and a large vanilla shake, please drive around to the window for your total" What a rippy-jip!
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We've had Johnny Cash, a Johnny Paycheck, I'm thinking of moving to Nashville as country singer "Johnny Credit Card" (do you think audiences will accept me or will I be declined?)
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I'm thinking if you were an official US Census Taker and you went around telling women "This year we have to actually see and count each nipple in your household" you may not get away with it.
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Those guys in the "Everything's a Dollar" store DON'T think it's funny when you continuously call them over and ask the price of stuff - nor do they like it when you ask where their LCD flat screen TV's are. Jeez - lighten UP will ya!?
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Example of how ONE person can ruin it for ALL of us: Because ONE guy decides he's gonna go on a McDonald's-only diet, make a movie, and get rich, the rest of us can't Super-Size our meals there anymore. Thanks a LOT asshole.
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I'm trying to find a "Boston Limited Osciloscope Works" (BLOW) in the phone book just so I can call their HR department and tell the lady I could really use a Blow job and I think she's just the lady to give me one - I'll tell her I've heard she gives the best blow jobs in the entire state and that I'm flying to Boston to her office just for one of her blow jobs.

10/23 2006

2006-10-22T22:31:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Jessica Alba - not really all of her - just her ass. Older favorite "I think It would suck..." posts today.
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I think it would suck if you met a hot dancer named "Butterscotch" and you took her home - thinking that her pussy will SURELY taste like butterscotch (which you love) but I'll be damned if her pussy wasn't nasty and stanky like an old dead fish - and then the next time you saw her you accidently called her "Butterfish"
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I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
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I think it would suck if you were born with three arms, and you grew up in a small Nevada town next to an abandoned US Nuclear Testing Facility - and you were crying all the time because of your three arms and screaming "WHY!? Oh God in heaven WHY!? WHYYY!!" - but all the other neighbors and family were also fucked up and deformed and they'd be like "Look homey - you gots to DEAL with that shit man you know what I'm saying? We're ALL deformed in this town yo!" And sure enough you look around and there's people with three heads, people with NO arms but only fingers, no feet, etc. But you want to feel "special" and want sympathy so you have to move to another town where you're the only "freak" around.
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I think it would suck if you were a little girl and went to see your grandfather and you walked into his house and he was sitting at the computer logged into pornotube.com and he had his old man trousers around his ankles and was jacking off and he's so deaf he didn't even hear you come in.
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I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
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I'll bet it would suck if you were in a famous “Christian Rock” band and you were back stage getting high and getting a BJ from a young groupie girl, but your cool Christian Rock cross necklace kept hitting her in the forehead as she slurped on your "holy grail"
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I think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – but you’d KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their ignorant faces every now and again.
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I think it would suck to be a guy hummingbird and have a big huge dick that you were proud of - the reason is that scientists and everyone else seem to be only impressed that your heart beats a thousand times a minute and your wings flap like 60 times a second - what about this big dick!?
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I think it would suck if you were a Blood but you had some sort of weird hand deformity and every time you flashed the Blood gang sign in the hood to your gang-bangin' homeys it looked WAY too much like the Crip sign.
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I think it would suck if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has spooge in the feathers of her angel wings.

It's 10/18/06 out there....

2006-10-17T01:32:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Cassia Riley - 'nuff said. New stuff today (Note I didn't say GOOD stuff!) WTF? Why is this login box coming up on my blog? Anyone have any ideas what that is? 67.15.255.4 Realm: cPanel WTF? Leave a comment please if you've any ideas.
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Fun in real life: So I'm setting up my password on a web site:
Web site: "In case you lose or misplace your password, please answer this security question: What was your favorite pet's name?"
Monkey: "SAM"
Web Site: "Sorry answers must be between 7-14 characters in length. Please try again."
Monkey: "SAAAAAAM?"
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I think it might be awkward if you were the CEO of the "Bust a Nut on a Slut" website and it was "Take Your Daughter to Work Day"
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Heard one of them-there rap-songs today: "Even though I can call a whole heep a burdans, I know there's a bunch of blessings as well. I remember when I had to sleep on benches, straight rob motherfuckers and leap over fences In a single bound, I wish my mama could see me now. Ain't no detectives trying to see me now, with no rival gangs trying to beat me down. It's MTV and BET now, and ain't no mo' regular weed ain't nothing but the best herb. With a grandaddy size cup of codiene, straight eight over ice nigga yes sir I'm leaning like I need a V8, representing for the 3rd Coast" And I stopped in a somber Monkey moment...to reflect on how these words pertain to my OWN life - and I came to the conclusion that...they didn't.
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I think if my name were Carrie and I went into porn I'd be "Carrie Underwear" Yeahhhh!
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Things that make the Monkey sad: There are women out there; grown, adult women, who have never in their lives truly had their pussies eaten - not just a quick little obligatory lick or two, ('cause you think she'll return the favor for that!) but truly WORSHIPED and MADE LOVE TO for hours at a time by a devoted, experienced, talented mouth. This is not something you LEARN to do cowboy - you're BORN with it like Leonardo was born to paint, and you either got it or you don't.
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I think if you were a new pirate on the pirate ship and the head pirate called out to you "Arrgh - raise the Jolly Roger!!!" and you thought he meant to pull out your penis and hold it up proudly you may end up walking the plank pretty quickly buddy!!! Get your act together will ya!??!
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I think a good time to murder your entire family with an axe would be on Halloween night - cause you could even leave their bodies on the front lawn and all the neighborhood kids would be like "Dude your display is SICK man way to go!!!" and high-fiving you and you might even win your neighborhood's Halloween Decorating Award for 2006. Too bad you can't share it the next day with your family. Asshole.

10/11/12

2006-10-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to that guy in the Pink Floyd song "HEY YOU" - the guy who is "out there beyond the wall, breaking bottles in the hall" You gotta love people that are out there in the hall breaking bottles on walls. (Unless you walk around barefoot a lot)Could there be a few repeats in today's post? Only the old-timer Monkey Cage readers can say for sure.
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I'd like to see a road that is built with a sign that warns "Road Narrows" - with thick trees on both sides of the road, I'd like to see the road actually start to narrow down until it disappears. I think it would be great fun - sure folks would be angry about it at first when their cars get crushed between trees - but later I think they'd have a good chuckle about it.
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"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Visa payment this month is late?" I USED to answer with what they want to hear: "It was on oversight, sorry, I'll mail it tomorrow" Fuck that - I've learned I have much more fun with something like:
"Mr. Monkey is there a reason your Ford payment this month is late?"
"It's late because I'm a slacker...I could've mailed it Wednesday night, but was too tired after work to fuck with it. And then Thursday night I ended up going over to the bar and knocking back some Yaeger shots and when I got home I was a bit too wasted to sit down with the bills and besides I had me a nice little drunk MILF that came home with me. Friday night I was fucking around reading blogs and found a little surprise pot in a drawer I didn't know I had, smoked that and watched the History Channel and fell asleep on the couch...and then...."
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I think it would suck if you were in West Virginia and you were fucking your sister one night and then the next morning your mama told one of you to take out the trash and you and your sister got into a big fight about who had to do it and who did it last. It’d kind of be a bummer to fight with her after last night.
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I think it would suck to be a guy hummingbird and have a big huge dick that you were proud of - the reason is that scientists and everyone else seem to be only impressed that your heart beats a thousand times a minute and your wings flap like 60 times a second - what about this big dick!?
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Devout Man" (R) - the touching true story of a man who goes to his local church, gets down on his knees to pray, has a heart attack, and dies in that position, but no one knows he's dead - they think he's praying. Watch as his family and friends leave him alone - watch as the preacher is impressed with this man's dedication and even leaves the light on at night in the church. Impressed but concerned, his family and other church members bring him food and water - but he is only interested in praying. (2 hrs, 20 min Adult themes, drug use, violence, adult lang. Sodomy)

Today must be 10/9/06

2006-10-09T00:40:00.000-07:00

Today's (repeat) blog is dedicated to Katie Holmes - Katie I told you last night I'd dedicate my next blog to you and now I'm doing it! This one's for you. Some of my favorites today.
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When I was a kid in school I spent so much time with my desk out in the hallway away from the others that when I finally DID get let in the classroom, I hardly knew any of the other kids.
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(And that was home schooling)
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day (2): "Bi-Polar" (PG-17) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)
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My grandmother was always allowed to go around the house farting and it was excused because she'd say "Goodness! This medication!" (But when I try it in my house and add "Goodness! This beer!" - it's not acceptable. I don't get it.)
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"
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If you were a cat, working as slave labor in an evil Chinese cat-toy factory - I'll bet if they caught you even ONCE batting at the toys on the assembly line you'd be Factory Manager Wong Lee's DINNER that night buddy!! Quit fucking around!!
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If I were a fish in someone's aquarium, I'd wait until one of my buddies had one of those really long string turds hanging from his ass, as we fish do, and I'd swim up and do trapeze tricks on it.
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If I were one of those "Therapy Dolphins" that people pay so much money to "swim with and be touched" - I'd swim up behind one of those hot hippy chicks and ever so gently nuzzle my long pointy dolphin nose in between her legs and I'd get my nose under her little yellow bikini bottom - at first she might be startled, but then she'd relax and open her legs a little and that's when I'd get the tip of my dolphin nose right up against her little hard clit and I'd start making those really cool clicking dolphin sounds and this would drive her crazy. Ahhh, therapy.
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I think one part about being in Heaven we don't hear much about it is this - if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has spooge in the feathers of her angel wings. I think that part of heaven would suck

10/5/09

2006-10-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Astro-Glide™, if you've ever tasted KY® on her, you'll agree that Astro-Glide™ wins the taste test! (Only two repeats today!)
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I think it would totally suck if you had one of those styrofoam fake boulders and you threw it up in the air to let it land on your head to be funny and your friend the witch turned it into a REAL boulder in mid-air because she thought THAT would be funny.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "I'm 29 years old, and obsessed with cannibalism. Back at university, a group of students were holding a gathering, and one guy had chopped his finger off - we all tried a bit, and I immediately realised this is something I want to do in life. Since then, I have tried a bit of arm, and part of a toe." (That's nuthin' cowboy, I've been earing pussy for years - Monkey)
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If I had a little penis and I was going bald, I'd probably love checking my email because there's so many cures for both out there.
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So here I am, watching my lady try on clothes - there's nothing more beautiful than watching your lady try on clothes, I'm really getting into it as she wiggles her beautiful sweet ass out of her pants, when she suddenly looks down, sees me, and runs away to tell Target management! (Lessons the Monkey learned; She wasn't really my lady after all, and you're not supposed to peek under the partitions in the changing rooms!)
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If I saw a guy holding a cardboard sign down on the corner at Wal*Mart that said "Will work for food, gas money, sex, beer, and shelter" I'd yell out of my car to him - "That's what we ALL do asshole! It's called LIFE!"
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Monkey's house-cleaning tip of the day: Cleaning the lint filter on your dryer? Ball it up and throw it BEHIND the dryer - you don't have to worry about it again until you move or get a new dryer and rats and mice can actually use the lint to line their nests.
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Signs you grew up poor white trash: You can remember ONE of your redneck racist stepfathers had a sawed-off table leg behind the seat of his pick-up truck and he proudly called it a “Nigger Knocker”
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I have one of those clocks that's an "atomic clock" and the cat knocked it over the other day - I just know I'm gonna end up with Cancer.....

Weekend Monkey Thoughts

2006-10-01T00:34:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the werewolves of London (Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain) and Warren Zevon. Newsflash: Any Missoula, Montana ladies dare take the Monkey out for a drink or some Monkey Chow? I'm ready. (You don't have to admit to it later, but you can know that you went out "with the monkey") I can even bring 'Possum with me and I'm not really like what I write about. (or am I?)
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If you were a pirate and were drinking grog with your pirate buddies I don't think it'd be a good idea to ask if they saw the latest "Project Runway" and what they thought about it or you'd be soon introduced to "Project Keelhaul"! Arrrghh!
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If I were the Tinman on The Wizard of Oz, when nobody was looking I'd whisper in Dorothy's sweet ear: "I may be made of tin, but parts of me are made of STEEL baby!"
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I think if you were in Heaven, and you'd been doing shots of Jaegar and smoking some wicked stinky herb with a hot angel chick all day long and you both were serverely fucked up and you both went over to a cloud and you had her propped up on that cloud and had your face buried in her sweet angel pussy - and Jesus walked by and said some freaky Jesus-type cryptic quote like "Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it." - you'd be so stoned and horny you'd just look up at him and be like "Whatever, dude" - which may piss him off, but damn, he's a dude ya know, he should know you don't interrupt a man when's eating some nice pussy and has a mean buzz on.
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I think Saddam Hussein is distracted in that court because he's trying to remember - "Damn - did I leave the oven turned on back in my spider hole!?!?"
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If I were a one-eyed man, I'd take my glass eyeball out and scramble around on the floor in a crowd of people searching for something - when someone asked "Did you loose a contact?" I'd look up at them and say "No - I lost my fuckin' EYE!!!!!!!!!"

Monday, Sept 25th, 2009

2006-09-25T07:58:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to all you women who wear thongs - red ones...mmmm.... A few repeats, a few new today.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: Monkey Studios, Inc. presents "Punch Bug" (PG-17) - based on a true story! In 1987 a man named Robert Altwitz turned to smack his 12-year old son in the car because he saw a green Volkswagen Beetle. The lady behind Robert in traffic called the cops. As the cops arrested Robert along the highway, a green Beetle passed by and Robert hit the cop - now charged with child abuse and assaulting an officer, Robert was sentenced to three years behind bars. (3 hrs, 40 min Adult situations, adult language, drug use, sodomy scenes)
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I think it would be cool if you're going to a book signing at Barnes & Noble or meeting a famous person somewhere to bring your jellyfish - "Would you please sign my jellyfish?" - and then when they sign it the pen will rupture the fragile jellyfish's skin and it would make a small screaming sound and die - then you could sue.
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "People say that a woman eating a banana is sexy, but what I think is even more sexy is a woman sucking a big cock"
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Little girls of a certain age love seahorses, stuffed animals, unicorns, and they love rainbows and sparkly things. Monkey Toys Inc., (a subsidiary of Monkey Labs, Inc.) has come up with a stuffed, rainbow colored, sparkly seahorse who is also a unicorn! We'll be rich! (Batteries sold separately) Warning: Stuffed animal may contain lead, may contain ortho-phenylphenol, This product may contain undeclared egg whites. Choking hazard)
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I can't help but think if you were a person born perfectly normal except for you had two squid tentacles instead of arms - and you got pulled over by the cops and they started screaming "Keep your hands on the wheel sir!" - you could sue the government for a LOT of money for discrimination and harassment and you'd be rich squid boy! RICH!
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Profound moments in Monkey's childhood: I was at a friend's house when I was a kid and this kid's sister had a really cool dollhouse and dolls. I was bored and started playing with it - I had the Mother and Father dolls getting it on in every possible position in every room - she gave him head on the living room couch, he fucked her doggy style on the bathroom floor, I was having a blast and thinking dollhouses CAN be fun when my friend's mother came upstairs and caught me ( the father eating the mother out on the floor in the kitchen.

9 out of 10 dentists say today is Friday the 22nd

2006-09-22T00:50:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the guy who invented the cool bank drive through tube system - they were cool when I was a kid and they're still cool. Some old stuff today...some new.
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I'm thinking if Steve Irwin was in heaven and Ann Richards shows up he's going to think it's a croc and spring into action and throw a rope around her neck.
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If I lived way back in the day - I'd be one of those disciple dudes that just hangs around that Jesus guy all day - because hey - it sure beats working and there's always wine!!
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
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If I were born less than an inch tall, I'd sleep on a crouton bed.
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If I ran a Meth lab I'd throw in a little caffeine into the mix just to ensure my customers are even MORE addicted than the tweakers down the road at my friend Kevin's meth lab. (Sorry Kevin - it's just business!)
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If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
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Signs the Monkey is immature: When they have one of those "Your speed is.." gadgets along the road I purposely drive exactly 69 MPH just so everyone can see it, and then I giggle. (I just wish someone would've told me it was a school district!)
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If I were a tight-rope walker and everyone was looking up at me, I'd purposely start peeing my pants and it would splatter them below - they'd think I was just so scared and forgive me - but really I'd be so high up there they wouldn't hear me laughing my ass off.
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If I were a hummingbird, I'd be an EVIL Hummingbird; I'd flutter in place right in front of someone's face and when they say "Awww how PRECIOUS!" I'd swoop in and jab my long nectar-sucking beak into their eardrum, puncturing it. Sure they'd scream and cry, but I'd be like "Oh man, sorry dude, I thought your ear was a flower"

Wednesday, September 20th, 1974

2006-09-19T23:22:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the lady with three kids I saw today at Albertsons who still had a killer body and a killer smile. Today I decided to post some of my favorite "I think if..." blog entries from the past. (Because I'm too damned lazy today to come up with anything original so I borrow from the Monkey of old)
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I think if you were in Heaven and you had your harp and started fucking around with it, pretending your harp was a pitchfork and you were in Hell - and one of the Angels or Jesus or God saw you - they'd be like "HEY!! You think that shit is FUNNY!? I'll send your clown-ass down there if you think that shit's so funny - that's a fuckin' EXPENSIVE musical instrument not a prop for a GAG to make your buddies laugh Mr. Funny Man!!!"
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I think if you were a Nazi General and Hitler invited you to a dinner party at the Eagle's Nest - you might not want to bring Tamika Goldfarb, your half-black, half-jewish girlfriend - even if she DID make a mean potato salad to bring along.
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I think if you were doing time in prison and you tried to get some guys together in the exercise yard for a fun game of hopscotch you'd probably not be very popular - you'd best wait until you were released before playing again. You could point out to the guys in the yard that all you really need to play is a piece of chalk and it's hours of fun but somehow I don't think they'd be interested.
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I think if you got caught looking at hardcore porn by your boss and you said you were "looking for ways to fuck our competition" that the boss wouldn't believe you.
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I think if you were an alien and came down to Earth one night to do cattle mutilations the other aliens would get upset with you if you instead cut off pieces of the meat, took it back to the UFO, cured it, and started making beef jerky and giving it away back on your alien planet to friends and family. That's for scientific experiments fool!
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I think if your father were a lawyer and you were a teenager it'd be all-to-easy to say "So SUE ME Dad!" and he'd probably get real tired of it real fast.
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I think if you were an undercover cop lady working the vice/prostitute patrol you could possible face a written letter of reprimand if instead of giving the arrest-team guys the signal to move in, you instead went ahead and sucked the john off because hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!
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I think if you were a cowboy out on the range with the other cowboys, sitting around the fire eating beans and drinking thick, black coffee - you wouldn't want to say "Say...any of you guys have any of that Sleepy Time Herbal Tea? That stuff is awesome!"
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I think if you were an astronaut on the shuttle and you were strapped in beside your partner on the pad ready for liftoff, and you had to fart really badly - it'd be best to wait until you heard Mission Control saying "..three..two...one..liftoff" and THEN let one rip because no one could hear it over the noise, and I don't think the other astronaut would smell anything because there'd be rocket fuel burning.
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I think if you were "The Amazing Plastic Eating Boy" in the circus, you'd get pretty sick of dumb rednecks coming up to you after the show, bringing you stupid shit to eat: "Here can you eat this here plastic lawn chair yuck yuck" Grow the fuck up.
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I think if I were an old west cowboy, I'd be a gunslinger. Yep, I'd sneak up to the saloon door and sling my gun in there at all the other cowboys as hard as I could and then run like hell down the street, giggling.
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I think if you were a caveman, and you said to your wife: "Hummugga gawa gummu!!!" - and she responded back with a smartassed "Gumma Luuma Gow-Gow!" - you'd have NO CHOICE but to hit her upside the head with a rock - you do NOT speak to your husband like that you big smelly hairy cave woman bitch!! And trim that bush for crying out loud!!!
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I think if you were a miner back in the old days - the other miners would get pissed off if you constantly yelled "It's the Mother Load!!" and when they came over you were just over there taking a dump at your claim.

Tuesday, September 18th, 2009

2006-09-17T22:26:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Denise Richards. Today's half new, half old today.
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Not a lot of folks know this, but we Monkeys are often sent out on top-secret missions by the U.S. Government in spy planes to fly over countries and collect data. If I'm ever shot down over China, I'm no idiot - I DID take a foreign language class or two in high school, the first thing I'm going to ask is "¿Habla usted inglés?" - if my captives look confused I will then try "Sprechen Sie Englisch?" If they still look confused I guess I'm fucked.
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You kids nowadays - SPOILED! Why when you kids need a quick pick-me-up by golly you just march down to the corner store and pick up one of those newfangled super-high caffeine energy drinks - Red Bull, RockStar, Amp, no sir, we had to go out in the street, barefoot, march ourselves up hill, both ways, usually in the snow, find someone dealing, and buy speed. No sir we weren't spoiled back then.
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My ex-wife said I never was good at cleaning - I say bullshit, just today in the shower I saw a soap scum on the shower wall, without even thinking I sprang into cleaning action and started peeing on it, soon it was gone.
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Favorite confession from today's Group Hug "My nipples are the size of CD's"
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I think if you were a cowboy, and out riding the range - you'd get into trouble very quickly if ALL you did was the cowboy stuff and never minded the cattle. For instance if you only sat around a fire eating beans and singing songs, while the cattle wondered off or got rustled - I'd think you'd be in hot water with the boss when you got back to the ranch.
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I think it would suck if you were a little girl and went to see your grandfather and you walked into his house and he was sitting at the computer logged into pornotube.com and he had his old man trousers around his ankles and was jacking off and he's so deaf he didn't even hear you come in.
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Discuss amongst yourselves the old wise saying "if it smells like fish, eat all you wish. if it smells like cologne, leave it alone!" Discuss how this piece of advice could be true, or if you don't believe it - discuss how it's not true. Please show all of your work and double-space. 16,000 word minimum on this project.
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My Aunt would tell us kids at the beach - "Put your ear to the seashell and you can hear the ocean!" What the FUCK!? Why would I sit AT THE OCEAN and listen into a seashell to hear the ocean!? I always felt like saying - "Put your lips to my ass and you can kiss my ass" - but I never did - I was a good kid back then.

Tuesday, September 12th, 1949

2006-09-12T11:13:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the good people of GEORGIA!!!!
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My favorite nickname seen in a chatroom: "RumpleDickSkin"
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I'll bet it's nerve-wracking if you were thrown into a jail in the old west, and you wake up the next morning and sure enough - there's hammering outside in the street and you think - FUCK - they're building the gallows to hang me - but you peek through the bars in the street and it's just some kid building a dog house. Whew.
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Someone in an ad was selling vegetarian burgers that were "individually raped" That makes sense, however, because the Monkey has always said, "Fuck Vegetarian Burgers"
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Favorite confession from today's Group Hug "My wife divorced me just because I was arrested for feeling up an 8 year old girl."
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Monkey Studios Movie Idea of the Day: “Skin Flute” ( R) True story. In 1979 a Michigan man named Robert J. Skin invented in his garage a new form of the flute – a flute never before seen – a flute that he was sure would change the music world. He called it the “Skin Flute” and begins to promote it. He was shocked to find the music industry laughed at his Skin Flute, but he was sure it would be a hit and he took to the roads to promote it himself, traveling around to schools and colleges and orchestras, begging flutist to PLEASE take his skin flute in their mouth and try it, just ONCE! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll never forget this movie. (2 hrs, 40 min) Graphic Violence, Adult Situations, Adult Language, Drug Use, Sodomy, Nudity, Implied Bestiality
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If I ever found MY cat in the cradle with the silver spoon, I'd be like "Get the FUCK outta that cradle you nasty flea-bitten cat - and what the HELL are you doing with that spoon!?"
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One thing that sucks about having sex is cleaning up afterwards - there's sticky keys and my mouse is all nasty and sometimes I have to wipe off my monitor. Sucks.
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This morning on the way to work I saw a nasty, used diaper laying along the highway in the ditch - I swear kids are caring less and less about the environment at earlier and earlier ages!
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Monkey Tee Shirt Idea: "If I had a nickle for every time I've been violently raped .. I'd have $4.80"
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Guys, it's romantic to be in the shower and, using only hair, the wet shower wall, and your finger configure a "I (Heart) U". for her to see when she gets in the shower. (But it's not quite as romantic if you've used your pubic hair)

9/11

2006-09-11T09:59:00.000-07:00

Today I don't blog the usual Monkey business - but spend a lot of time thinking about my fellow Americans (and Canadians!) killed on September 11, 2001 by cowardly terrorists. Like you, I'll never forget that day and where I was and how I felt watching TV that day. I called a Navy recruiter in the next few days to try to go back in the military to help kick some ass - that didn't work out, but the Monkey was pissed and to this day is STILL pissed and hurt about what they did to us that day.

2,973 were killed;

246 people on the 4 planes.

2,602 in NYC in the towers and on the ground

343 NYFD

23 NYPD

37 Port Authority police officers,

And an additional 24 people remain missing to this day in the attack.

I think today is September the 5th

2006-09-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to Claudia Lynx. Holy cow lady - the things you do to the monkey! Today’s blog is all NEW stuff - can you believe it?
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Nurses at the hospital DON’T think it’s funny when you ring the nurse call button over and over again during the night and when they come rushing in you say “Oops, sorry, my penis keeps hitting the button”
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Monkey Studios Inc. presents “Sahay” (Hindi for “Help”) (PG-17) - the true story of an elderly lady from India, who is wheelchair bound, who gets stuck on an elevator during a power outage with an American teenaged girl - watch as cultures collide....watch as cultures unite. (2 hrs, 7 min Graphic Violence, Nudity, Drug use, sodomy, lesbian scenes, graphic language, implied bestiality)
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I think after the young hot company HR chick finishes grilling you in the interview and she finally says “Now, do you have any questions for me?” it’s probably NOT a good idea to say “Yes, may I please lick your hot HR pussy?”
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I think it’d be a BAD idea if you started a mayonnaise company and your name was Edward Spooge
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I think if you were a ghost that lived in a haunted house and one day found some WD-40 and went around fixing all the creaking floors and doors, all the other ghosts would be like “Dude, what the fuck is your PROBLEM!?”
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Things that keep the Monkey up late at night: I can’t help but think that there’s a super-rich rancher in Texas who built his ranch's corral out of solid GOLD and the Golden Corral Corporation gets word of this and a huge copyright case ensues over his right to have a Golden Corral
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Things that keep the Monkey up late at night (Part II) - this big monkey penis that’s just SO much fun to play with!!
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If a kid’s cereal company made a prize for the kids that was actually a piece of cereal, how would the kids know which one was the prize??
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Speaking of cereal, when I was young my brother would come into the kitchen in the morning yawning, in his PJ’s, with his hand down his pants scratching his balls and then he’d start digging in the Captain Crunch box for the prize at the bottom.

September the first! September the first!

2006-08-31T23:44:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to the great Australian inventor Arthur Biship, with over 300 worldwide patents
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I think it would suck if you met a hot dancer named "Butterscotch" and you took her home - thinking that her pussy will SURELY taste like butterscotch (which you love) but I'll be damned if her pussy wasn't nasty and stanky like an old dead fish - and then the next time you saw her you accidentally called her "Butterfish"
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Monkey Quote of the Day. "Show me a 'Happy Camper' and I'll show you a Boy Scout who smuggled some weed to the Jamboree in the bottom of his sleeping bag"
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I guess I've always been sort of perverted & sick - when I was a kid and watched "The Andy Griffith Show" I always thought it'd be wild to have an episode where Andy and Barny come home early and find Opie up in Aunt Bee's bedroom, with Aunt Bee on her hands and knees and Opie behind her eating at the Y and giving her a rim job
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I think if you were "The Amazing Plastic Eating Boy" in the circus, you'd get pretty sick of dumb rednecks coming up to you after the show, bringing you stupid shit to eat: "Here can you eat this here plastic lawn chair yuck yuck" Grow the fuck up.
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Monkey Labs Inc. works on solving world hunger, (update) Monkey Labs, Inc. has decided that the answer to world hunger is not creating FOOD, but rather to shrink all people down to about 1 inch in height so they can get by on LESS food. One or two grains of rice can feed ONE small person!
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Don't you hate it when you're so drunk you go to the bathroom to put in some eye drops but instead end up going into the garage and putting "Ortho Weed-B-Gon Lawn Weed Killer 2" in your eyes? (Both of 'em)
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So I go to use some Bathroom Cleaner on my toilet and I sprayed it in the toilet like the directions said and THEN the directions say "Leave for 1-3 hours". And wouldn't you know it was raining outside!?
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Remember being in the playground and it's finally your turn at the top of the slide and the little bitch girl behind you is like "Hurry UP!" Remember you'd slap her really hard across the thigh and then quickly make your escape down the slide!? I did this the other day at the park and the girl's parents ran up and were highly upset and screaming something about the cops - Jeez - kids are so sensitive these days!

August 29th, 2007

2006-08-29T10:16:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to the good people of Indiana. Apologies in advance for repeats. (Some I’ve just played around with/modified)
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One of the best ways to keep your teenager off pot is to lock that shit up! Don’t just hide it under your bed, in a drawer, etc - actually take the time to lock up your stash - you don’t want your kids to grow up to smoke that stuff do you!?
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Here's a free Monkey Tip for Veterinarians!: Vets - the next time you neuter a young cat, don't throw those balls away just yet! Make a really cool "catnip ball toy" for cats! They love 'em! Here's how; keep some catnip handy in the OR, after removing the cat's balls, quickly sprinkle some catnip into the little scrotum, sew it up - whamo - instant cat toy! You can even give it to the cat you just neutered as a "Get Well Soon!" fun cat toy! (He'll think it looks vaguely familiar - but won't recognize them entirely - don't worry)
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If I worked at a fast food drive-thru on the intercom, I'd tell people to "Thank You. Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me 'cause I'd be in the 2nd window!
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If I worked at a fast food joint and it was my time to clean the bathroom and initial the “Rest Room cleanliness check-off sheet” on the back of the door I’d initial it with my finger and some shit.
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I saw a menu today that read "Grill Cheese". They also had "Fry Chicken" and you could also get "Grill Onion"!!
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I think it would flat-out suck if you went with your girlfriend to her Mother's house for a huge family meal and you had your hard dick out at the dinner table for your girlfriend to secretly play with, and then the fuckin' Dad says "Let's all join hands for a prayer" - and her mother reached over and grabbed your cock.
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I envision a man born with a birth defect that makes him look like a giant ass. But he goes on with life and people try to ignore it - until one day at the company BBQ when Dave, drunk again, said in conversation: "Hey I love tits - I'm a tit man - Bob - what about you bud? You a tit man or an ....errr......sorry Bob"
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Monkey's Tip for Guys: Guys - if you leave a nice romantic "I (heart) U" written on her bathroom mirror with lipstick to surprise her when she wakes up - make sure it's not your GIRLFRIEND'S lipstick you found on the floor of your pickup - Girls know their own lipstick colors.

9 out of 10 dentists think today is August 25th.

2006-08-25T10:44:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to the men & women of the U.S. Army out there busting their asses for their country on a daily basis and doing it with pride.
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I think if you were in Heaven and you had your harp and started fucking around with it, pretending your harp was a pitchfork and you were in Hell - and one of the Angels or Jesus or God saw you - they'd be like "HEY!! You think that shit is FUNNY!? I'll send your clown-ass down there if you think that shit's so funny - that's a fuckin' EXPENSIVE musical instrument not a prop for a GAG to make your buddies laugh Mr. Funny Man!!!"
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The internet CAN be a bad thing - like when you find on eBay a Hot Wheels car you had when you were a kid is worth $90.00, but you can remember the day you and your teen buddies smoked that bowl and blew the shit out of that very Hot Wheel car with some fire crackers and burned it with lighter fluid.
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I had a healthy, normal childhood. I can still remember when I learned that I could take Silly Putty and lift a picture of a coochy from my older brother's Hustler magazine. I'd then have a really cool, stretchable pussy that I could almost even open - I called my invention "Silly Pussy" (Pat. Pending) and it was my first invention. I was nine.
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Things that suck: You've got her all worked up, you're doing her really good and she's even getting into some dirty talk like you like, and your toe hits the "REDIAL" button on the cordless phone that was on the bed (for some fucked up reason)and now her mother gets to hear her daughter and you cumming hard together. (And it took her 27 minutes to hang up)
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I think it would suck if you were a teenager dude and your name was "Aflac" - you'd end up hanging yourself with your Dad's necktie down in the basement for all the shit people would give you.
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I went to the gym the other day and was having a blast just watching the women, with their glistening sweaty skin, their toned bodies....I was getting a woody and enjoying myself when suddenly the fuckin' gym manager comes in and said I had to leave the women's bathroom.
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I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
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If I were a super hero - when people made cracks about why I'm wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes I'd smash their faces into a million pieces with my fist - that shit gets REALLY old.
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I think a cool and funny trick those Christians probably played back in the days when they were fed to lions was to swallow a shitload of chili powder before going out into the arena - that way when the lions started devouring them the lions would start to sneeze and sneeze and all the people watching would get a giggle out of it.

Wednesday, August 23rd, 1949

2006-08-23T00:58:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to Elizabeth Hurley - ‘Liz honey when you left my house this morning I TOLD you to lock the front door on your way out - I’m going to let it go THIS time - and I still love you. Old shit..errr...I mean CLASSIC shit in today’s blog today.
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I hate when I'm going down a dirt road in my car and a bird flies up in front of me - and it keeps flying in front of me - right in front of my windshield, and I begin to think I'm following the bird, and I forget who's following who, and the bird turns off into the woods and I follow it and end up smashing into a tree and my car explodes and they have to cut me out of the wreckage with the Jaws of Life and amputate my left leg, right eyeball and left testicle to do it.
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If you live in an apartment and the guy upstairs was playing his music too loud, you could knock on the roof with a broomstick, but an even better way to get the music to stop would be to set your own apartment on fire - sure you'd lose everything, and it takes several minutes, but you could go back to sleep knowing the music would stop within minutes.
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If I had a nickel for every time I lost a tooth when I was a kid. Oh wait. I did . I think I saved it and bought some pot. Yeah, that's right, I did. Never mind the whole thing.
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Why is it missing persons are always found in "a shallow grave" somewhere? You can kill someone, chop them up, drive them somewhere in your trunk - and then you're too lazy to dig more than a "shallow grave"?! Lazy ass murderers.
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If I'm ever taken captive, abducted by aliens, and they take me up on their spaceship to do "tests" I've already mapped out a plan - I'm going to politely ask if I may use their bathroom, they'll of course let me, and while in there, I'd find a toilet where some slob alien bastard had taken a dump and not flushed it, I'd reach into that toilet and take a finger full of the alien's poop and rub it on my Monkey backside - gross? Yes. Very. And. Sick. But I'd have the last laugh because when they did their infamous "anal probe" on me they'd get readings saying we were of the SAME GENETIC MAKEUP - and they'd HAVE to let me go!
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These kids nowadays, they're not giving a shit about the environment at a younger and younger age. This morning on the way to work I saw a used diaper along the highway.
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Call me kinky, but I always wanted to fuck one of those older dog show judges! The way they move around that ring...those dresses they wear...their jewelry...those dresses...their attitudes - oh yeah - hot fuck. And how they know how to GENTLY lift those balls...mmm....
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In the movies, someone will often stick someone else’s head into a toilet and hold it under. (Sometimes they’ll flush the toilet while they do this) It’s usually some guy that won’t talk. I always feel sorry for that guy. No, not the asshole that won’t talk and has his head in the toilet, but for that poor little cameraman who has to climb down into a TOILET and film to earn his paycheck.
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If I were a dinner roll, and I was married to a nice dinner roll lady, and one day we had a bun in the oven, which later grew up to be a beautiful, tall, stunning roll, I'd encourage her to be a roll model.

Monday, August 21st, 1947

2006-08-21T01:40:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to all you restaurant workers who close down every night - busting your ass mopping floors, Satin Shining counters, taking out garbage, mopping, generally busting your ass long after the last customer has been served.
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I'll bet it would suck if you were in a famous “Christian Rock” band and you were back stage getting high and getting a BJ from a young groupie girl, but your cool Christian Rock cross necklace kept hitting her in the forehead as she slurped on your "holy grail"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: (I may have had this movie idea before but am too lazy to go back in the archives and see) "TREE HUGGER" (PG-17) - the touching story of Rick Owens, an Earth First activist who chains himself up to a tree to stop a logging operation. Watch as he climbs high in the tree, chains himself up, and tosses away the key. Watch as he waits for the press and his activist buddies to show up. The only problem: Rick never WAS any good at reading a map and finding his way around the woods and he's 216 miles from the actual logging operation. Watch in horror as woodland creatures take turns having their way with the activist. Watch as he dies - hugging a tree. (3 hrs, 17 min) Contains graphic violence, adult situations, bestiality, sodomy)
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If I were an alien who landed on the Earth in my spaceship, I'd wait until all the greeny bleeding-hearts got up to the door of the UFO and blast them all into oblivion, now I'm sorry, but if I were an alien I'd be sick and tired of people thinking they can just "talk to us" or "REASON" with us - that's all Hollywood man - I'll fuckin' kill all of you human bastards like they did in UFO movies back in the 50's!!!
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I'll bet it's embarrassing, but it happens, and it' something most birds won't even talk about, but I'll bet it happens that the mother bird is sitting on her egg waiting for it to hatch and the chick decides to break out at that very moment, and pushes its little beak up through the egg and it’s beak goes right up the mother bird's ass. Perhaps for SOME mother birds it felt pretty good, but that's not something they would never, EVER admit to.
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I think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – but you’d KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their faces every now and again.
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Ladies, sometimes, we men DO know what we should do: When you're laying there next to us in bed, with your beautiful, silky hair laying across your face, your beautiful eyes closed, such a beautiful, vulnerable look on your face, your beautiful breasts rising with each slumbery breath, we men ever so gently...so slowly...sneak out of the bed and go to the computer and wank off to some free "preview" 15 second blowjob movies. Ain’t the internet great?

August 17th, 1977

2006-08-16T23:33:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated AGAIN to Melissa Theuriau - a super hot french newscaster. The UK Gov’ment’s fucking with people - starting with motorcylists - I say fuck these people and their communist ideas - read and sign:
http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/nospeedcontrol/ Sign even if you're not a Brit!
Repeats again today - but hey - I take ‘em out, play with ‘em, tune ‘em up, change ‘em up, and put ‘em back out.
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I think if you were a caveman, and you said to your wife: "Hummugga gawa gummu!!!" - and she responded back with a smartassed "Gumma Luuma Gow-Gow!" - you'd have NO CHOICE but to hit her upside the head with a rock - you do NOT speak to your husband like that you big smelly hairy cave woman bitch!! And trim that bush for crying out loud!!!
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You know you're pretty damned drunk when you're dancing at the bar, and you suddenly realize you're dancing with two guys! And then you realize HOLY SHIT these two guys you're dancing with both have GUNS! And holy shit - you're not dancing after all - you're fighting! It just feels sort of like dancing - and they're cops!
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I'll bet it's nerve-wracking if you were thrown into a jail in the old west, and you wake up the next morning and sure enough - there's hammering outside in the street and you think - FUCK - they're building the gallows to hang me - but you peek through the bars in the street and it's just some kid building a half-pipe for his skate board. Whew.
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It'd be rough if you hacked up your ex-wife and her bitch mother into 720 pieces with an axe, and you went to bury them in the back yard, but then you remembered the Power/Utilities ad campaign about "Call Before You Dig" - and started getting really scared you might hit a buried line if you didn't call....
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I went to the gym the other day and was having a blast just watching the women, with their glistening sweaty skin, their toned bodies....I was getting a woody and enjoying myself when suddenly the fuckin' gym manager comes in and said I had to leave the women's bathroom.
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I like to think that deep, deep in the ocean, there is an Octopus that is filled with love for ALL beings on Earth - a wondrous, all-loving being this Octopus is - but he's so far down at the bottom of the ocean - what good is he to any of us? Fuck him I say.
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I think if you were a miner back in the old days - the other miners would get pissed off if you constantly yelled "It's the Mother Load!!" and when they came over you were just over there taking a dump at your claim.
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I used to date (11:30 PM - 4:30 AM) a girl who didn't shave or even trim it and let's just say it was an adventure. But in a way kind of fun - like unwrapping a Reese's Peanut Butter cup before you eat it - pushing all that hair aside with my tongue...and that was just to get to her belly button.

It's August the 15th, 1984

2006-08-15T00:10:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to Cypress Hill. Hey it may be old shit today but it’s classic shit and dammit you probably never saw this stuff anyway.
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If blogs were around in 1937:
May 5th, 1937: "I'm SO excited - tomorrow I'm scheduled to fly on the German zeppelin "Hindenburg" - ja ja - it's going to be a blast I just know it!"
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When I was a kid many other kids in our neighborhood would "huff" lighter-fluid to get high. Once we were smoking herb, listening to Ted Nugent, and this EIGHT year old neighbor-kid was huffing lighter fluid, and I saw him get up and chase his brother around the living room - he slipped on something, probably because he was high, he fell, and smashed his head right into the CORNER of a coffee table. I hear you - you're saying - "Monkey - what kind of good wholesome moral lesson can we learn from this kid?" The lesson to be learned is if you're going to be killing brain cells by the millions and aspire to have permanent brain damage by huffing lighter fluid or other potentially fatal inhalants, sit DOWN and stop running around the house or by golly you're gonna get a time out mister!!!
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There was a sign at my post office "No bikes, roller skates or skateboards on postal property" God knows we can't have people on postal property MOVING FAST now can we!?
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "When I use to work at Petsmart. I would take a gold fish (the ones with big heads) and I would use their heads as algae scrubs to clean the side of the fish tanks...Sorry Fishys"
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I think if I were a whale, I’d try and screw my girlfriend in her blow hole – I’ll bet it’s really tight and feels great and she may even like it.
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The beer & alcohol commercials take the fun out of everything when they have to throw in that "Drink Responsibly" line. Jeez.
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I think a good part about having a friend named "Lee" would be that it would help you speak better english - when he was leaving your house you would say "Drive careful....Lee"
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Don't you hate it when you think you're being clever - and have a child's birthday coming up - and you decide on a cool blue plastic Walmart grocery bag, (They're free and fun!) and some asshole adult at the kid's party has to ruin it by pointing out to everyone "NOT A TOY" on the side of the bag, and everyone acts as if YOU'RE an asshole!?

Missoula Monkey - August 14th, 2006

2006-08-13T22:59:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to the good people of Missoula, Montana - the Monkeys new home - I’m back - gonna get back into blogging now....slowly the Monkey will be back...
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So I see a toy in the toy store - it’s Winnie the Pooh - and the box he’s in says he’s “Melody Making Pooh” and to “Squeeze my back to see” - so I squeeze, he doesn’t nothing - makes no Pooh music - so I squeeze again, harder, nothing, I take him off the shelf and and squeeze and squeeze - looking for the right spot - trying to squeeze the shit (or the pooh) out of him - I want a melody dammit! I’m getting angry now and squeezing and cursing and I look over and a little girl is staring at me. (I’m making a good impression in Missoula with the locals so far)
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If I were a cemetery groundskeeper I'd be sure to never lay down to take a nap under a gravestone, because when you woke up and opened your eyes you might think you were dead and get scared. But really that's what you get for being such a lazy fucking slacker!
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I think if you were an undercover cop lady working the vice/prostitute patrol you could possible face a written letter of reprimand if instead of giving the arrest-team guys the signal to move in, you instead went ahead and sucked the john off because hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!
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Dairy Queen has a pretty good drink called the "MooLatte". If you pull into the DQ drive-through and ask for a "Mulatto" they don't even notice. The monkey finds this funny.
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I think if you could really work your fingers over a lady's clit really well and you had a talent for it, one day while doing it and you'd think - "I wonder if I could also twiddle away on a guitar like perhaps Jimi Hendrix" And you'd rush down to the local pawn shop to buy a used electric guitar but find that was a waste, you can't play. And from that moment on you'd be more appreciative of your clit dwiddling talents and you'd forget your rock star guitarist stupid fucking fantasy.
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If I were a member of a SWAT team I'd take up the hobby of collecting frisbees -imagine how many frisbees you could find on a daily basis up on rooftops!
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I don't think it'd be as great as you might think if you were a super-hero and had super-hero powers of hearing. For instance if you were to listen to the sounds that jelly makes when peanut butter first touches with it - when you first close the sandwich - when jelly meets peanut-butter - it would remind you of the sweet sounds a nice sloppy-wet dripping pussy makes, and you'd have to excuse yourself from the dinner table to go masturbate somewhere.
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How things change: When you're a kid you can sure be proud of your Boy Scout Merit Badges but shit man try wearing some of them to work when you're 41 years old and they LAUGH at you!? What gives?! You think that Citizenship Badge was EASY to get muthafucker!?

August 6, 2006

2006-08-06T12:49:00.000-07:00

No - I'm not leaving you again for a long time - but I do have to be gone about one week - the Monkey will return to you about August 14th.

I love you all and will miss you until then.

Your Monkey always,

Monkey

End of July

2006-07-31T09:09:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Curtis Lowe. You skynyrd fans know who I'm talkin' bout.
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What if your neighbor were out grilling - the old man down the street - and you walked over to his grill - "What are you grillin'?" you ask. "Legs" he says - "Human legs" - and sure enough you can make out a human foot down on the grill - toes and all.
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Blogs I'd like to see: More of the "World's Biggest Sexual Pervert Blog":
Aug 04 2006: Paid a prostitute to come to my house dressed as a kangaroo and stick a Barbie Doll's head up my ass while she sang the National Anthem.
Aug 05 2006: Poured pickle juice all over myself and then played with myself while looking at Reader's Digest back issues in the bathtub
Aug 06 2006: Called a phone sex line and had the lady at the other end pretend she was deaf - "What? Who's there? Hello?"
Aug 07 2006: Discovered that I like to stick it into boiling hot coffee right as I orgasm while wearing a waitress outfit.
Aug 08 2006: Paid a street lady to come over and spank me while berating me in Big Bird's voice from Sesame Street - later had her spray Pam All-Natural Butter Flavored cooking spray on my testicles - not such a good idea and will not do this again.
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I've decided if I have 3 more kids I'm going to name them Zoloft, Prozac and Effexor.
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If I were a male Praying Mantis, I'd be smart enough to KNOW from reading that after my lady and I have sex, she's probably going to try and kill me and eat me, I would pray about it for some time, and then after we have sex I'd pray some more, then I'd say "I'd love to stay and cuddle with you - but I'm going to get us both a cigarette - be right back" - and I'd be SO outta there! - I'd then go find another girl Mantis and keep doing this as long as I could get away with it.
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One thing I never understood about history - why was Lee Harvey Oswald hiding in the Texas Book Suppository building? Who the hell uses books for suppositories?!
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I don't think you'd last long as a pirate if you enjoyed staying down below deck in your cabin reading poetry, and every night you yelled out "Don't you smelly, one-eyed, one-legged, grog-swilling, booty-stealing, Bacardi smellin', striped-shirt wearin' bastards EVER SLEEP!? Keep it QUIET please for those of us who actually DO want to sleep!!"
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Don't you just hate it when you go and open a nice can of dolphin meat and find that they've got TUNA mixed in with it!? Can't they even TRY to keep the Tunas from swimming into the dolphin nets?! How hard can that be!?

7/26, 1957

2006-07-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to that one girl who sits over by you at work - YOU know the one I'm talking about - the one with the nice ass that you only dream of rimming.
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If I were the President of the United States - by Monkey:
If I were the president of the United States I would spend a lot of time looking out of that cool window behind the presidential desk in the Oval Office. Looks like a really cool view, and look at that nice green lawn! I'd also officially rename the Oval Office to "Ovary Office" because it will remind everyone of something in a pussy, and we all want to be in pussy, so it would promote a good working atmosphere for my staff
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I think that Don McLean's "American Pie" would make more sense if it were "..and good ol' boys were drinking whiskey and LYE, singing this'll be the day that I die"
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I don't understand all this "Satellite Radio" talk. Even if the thing were in low orbit and the volume onboard was cranked to the max I really doubt we could hear it down here.
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The other day I started thinking about some of the good sex I've been lucky enough to have had, and I started getting hard. The next thing I know, I've got it out and am stroking it good. That is until the Albertson's manager came over and told me that I was going to have to leave the store.
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think it would be cool to go back to the 1950's and go to a "Lover's Lane". Sitting up there in the car looking over the city lights, listening to the music - a nice hand stroking my monkey-cock..mmmm.... I'd even bring a girl with me sometimes.
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If I were on death row, for a great prank, when the guys came down to get me for that final walk, the last thing I'd do before I left my cell is set the alarm clock to go off in about 20 minutes. That way it'd start going off and I'd be dead and gone and the guys back in death row cell block would be pissed OFF. But later I think they'd probably have a laugh about it, and I wouldn't be suprised if this alarm clock trick became a running death row prank that all the boys on the row could look forward to one day pulling themselves.

7/24, 1876

2006-07-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Tycho Brahe (1546 - 1601) a very wacky Danish astronomer who liked to drink, fight, and had his nose cut off in a duel and replaced it with a silver artificial nose - the guy was a real hoot. All old again - still having rough times in my life but will get back to you folks soon!
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Monkey Tip of the Day: The way to tell a TRUE Chinese buffet is by the signs over the food. If there are no plural words -you're in good shape. Over the spoons and forks the signs must say "Spoon and Fork" - over the String Beans - it should read "String Bean". Also the little tags should NEVER say "Fried Rice" - instead it should be called "Fry Rice". If you see anything plural - leave - it's not authentic.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "Today I drank, smoked weed, and watch people rail morphine, all while sitting in the break room at a Staples, and I don't even work there."
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I think there should be Barnes & Noble Chairs police and I volunteer for the job. You punks that have been in there for three hours with your stack of books - no more: a 2 hour maximum per-chair time limit will be enforced with an aluminum baseball bat. You people snoozing in the Barnes & Noble chairs: baseball bat - cracked skull - take your sleepy ass home and give up the chair.
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If I were a puppet I'd piss people off by continuously telling people "I want to have a relationship with you - no strings attached" I'd find this joke an endless source of fun, but I'm sure people would get so sick of it they'd chop me up for firewood.
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Monkey Movie idea of the day (repeat): "Plastic House" (PG-17) - the touching and true story of Gloria Adams, an 87 year old grandmother in Freemont, Virginia who wrapped her living room furniture in that plastic protector stuff that old folks use - but that wasn't enough - she then laid down those plastic "walk ways" through her entire house - but still she couldn't stop - soon she wrapped everything in every room of her house - and later all those who entered her house. (2 hrs, 45 min) (Extreme Violence, Sodomy, Extreme Sexual Content, Drug References, Eye-Gouging, mild scenes of trepanning, mild bestiality scenes)
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If you were on a hot Mississippi prison chain gang, I don't think the "road boss" would like it too much if you went up and told him your hands were getting dry and chapped and does he have any Avon Soft & Sensual Replenishing non-greasy hand cream in his truck?

7/18/06

2006-07-18T11:06:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to you - putting up with repeats of my blog all because I've been working on some personal shit and neglecting you. :-(
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'll bet the first "pocket pussy" ever made was back in cave-man days: you take the wing of a still warm but dead Terradactyl and cut out a piece of the wing web and sort of roll it into a sock-like deal, you then put some warm Ankylosaurus blood in there and on your cave-man cock, and have it cave man stud!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CORN DOG" - the touching feel-good story of "Jack" - a dog who lives on a Kansas corn farm and helps his owner, the farmer, around the corn farm. Everything's fine until the farmer brings home a whore he picked up in town and things aren't ever the same between Jack and the farmer. (2 hrs, 04 min) (Graphic violence, nudity, adult situations, implied biestiality, drug use, sodomy)
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Cops don't like it when they're "hiding out" along the highway doing speed checks and you park way off and sneak up behind their car on foot and kick the side of their car (as a funny joke) Gosh man lighten UP will ya? And could you loosen up these cuffs?
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They say to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how we will react. I've already decided, if I ever wake up and find I've shrunk down to about a half an inch tall, I'm going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of 'em as a really cool recliner type chair.
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I think if you were a fly and you were getting ready to go down on your girlfriend, because of your screwy fly eyes that make you see 200 of everything, you'd stick out your little fly tongue to taste her but wouldn't know which coochy was the right one and you'd get embarrassed and probably just fly away and go sit down on a dog turd and rub your hands and feet together for awhile.
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I have a post office box and I've found it's easy just to push all that unwanted mail right back through the box onto the floor of the post office. (I think the only drawback to this is that a lot of those bills have my name on them.)

It's 7/13

2006-07-12T23:40:00.000-07:00

Today's (repeat) blog is dedicated to the hottest newscaster in the world, she's French, she's Melissa Theuriau.
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I think one part about being in Heaven what would suck and we don't hear much about is this - if you were in Heaven and your girlfriend was an angel, and you were doing her doggy style and at the last second you said "Quick! flip over let me cum on your tits!" - and she tried to flip over fast enough but those fucking stupid WINGS of hers get in the way and they're all in your face and she can't turn over fast enough and you end up shooting your load all over her wings instead of her breasts - and she gets all pissy because she has cum in the feathers of her angel wings. I think that part of heaven would suck
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've always wanted to go into a mental institution and yell at the people: "Have you all LOST YOUR MINDS!?"
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Monkey Labs, Inc. is solving WORLD HUNGER: Being a Monkey that loves cotton candy, I've seen how a cotton-candy machine works - it spins - the process first involves the sugar melting into a liquid form that is spun inside of the cotton candy machine and we get cotton candy. The world is made mostly of ocean (water) - we add sugar to the world's oceans, "global warming" takes care of the melting the sugar into the water - the Earth takes care of the spinning part - we will soon be able to feed the world's hunger.
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I want to build a home for the homeless. But then when they move in I'm going to have no choice but to kick them out for not qualifying because technically they then have a home.
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One good thing about being a caveman would be when smartasses come up to you and say "Nice wrinkled shirt - what'd you iron that with - a rock?" You could say "yes".
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I think if you were an undercover cop lady working the undercover vice/prostitute patrol you could possible face a written letter of reprimand if instead of giving the arrest-team guys the signal to move in, you instead went ahead and sucked the guy off because hey, twenty bucks is twenty bucks!
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Things that keep the Monkey awake wondering about: I can't help but wonder if this has ever really happened: The Pope takes a big dump before he heads off to some big ceremony or service, eager to get to the ceremony and get a nap, he forgets to flush the Vatican toilet. Upon returning home later that night, he flips on the bathroom light to get out of his robe and get ready for bed, and he sees the giant turds he laid earlier that day and it scares him - "HOLY SHIT!" he yells, he then realizes the irony of what he's just said and bursts into laughter.

Must be 7/11 just like the store!

2006-07-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

Today's (repeat) blog is dedicated to Gwyneth Paltrow. Oh man the things you do to me when I watch you - you beautiful angel. Come to the Monkey.
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
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I know a guy who rolls up carpet for a living, he also rolls his own cigarettes, and he can roll a mean joint – I guess that’s just how he rolls.
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Wouldn't it suck if you were a caveman, and you were the local inventor - and all the other cavemen are pressuring you to invent the wheel, but instead you invented a Cisco 1700 Series modular and fixed-configuration access router? The other caveman would be scratching their heads and saying "Uhmmgh!...What the fuck is THIS!?!?"
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CORN DOG" - the touching feel-good story of "Jack" - a dog who lives on a Kansas corn farm and helps his owner, the farmer, around the corn farm. Everything's fine until the farmer brings home a whore he picked up in town and things aren't ever the same between Jack and the farmer. (2 hrs, 04 min) (Graphic violence, nudity, adult situations, implied biestiality, drug use, sodomy)
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If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
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Don't you hate it when you're in a loud bar with a band playing, and your friend leans over and yells to you: "My Mother died today!" (But YOU thought he said "Check out the hot young piece of ass in the red skirt shooting pool" and you yell back "Dude one night last week I took her home from here and fucked the living hell out of her all night long! She sucks a mean dick!"
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Cops don't like it when they're "hiding out" along the highway doing speed checks and you park way off and sneak up behind their car on foot and kick the side of their car and yell "BOO!" (as a funny joke) Gosh man lighten UP will ya? And could you loosen up these cuffs?
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I think even for for aliens there are tough choices to make in life. For instance, say you're sent down to Earth by your boss on a mission to Kansas to make some really cool crop-circle designs he's been working on, and just when you're about to land in the field to start your crop circle chores you spot a field full of cattle - practically BEGGING to be mutilated. Do you continue with your crop circle, or mutilate the cows instead?

Friday July the seventh, two thousand and six

2006-07-07T08:42:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to everyone who blew a finger off this 4th of July to honor our nation's birthday. Repeat city today - sorry!
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The Monkey Wonders...what ever happened to the good ol' days, when people used to tie each other to railroad tracks? That's a dying, lost art and I'd like to see a comeback.
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Monkey Poetry:
Oh what a tangled slinky we weave
When we bring it out with friends on weed
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Don't you hate it when the doctor is checking your balls...he's down on his knees with your left ball in his hand asking you to turn your head and cough - and you're in Albertsons!!? Come on Doc - can't this wait!?
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I was looking down at the six-pack on my abs - admiring it - I worked hard for it. But then I figured I better get off my lazy ass and put the damned thing in the fridge.
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When I was a kid we had a friend that farted so much that when he pulled up on his bicycle you'd swear he had a playing card stuck in the spokes - he didn't.
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Things that keep the Monkey awake at night pondering: If you were to wank off into a pond, I wonder if it'd be possible for a passing tadpole to say "Awww - look someone lost their babies, poor little guys - there's so many - I will adopt them and raise them as my own"
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You fuckin' people nowadays in your car with your fancy-smancy bells 'n' whistles - why when the Monkey was a kid we didn't have no damned "heated seats" in the Winter. Thats' what farts were for back then.
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I think if you were a lumberjack back in the day, if you came to the lumberjack breakfast tent and asked the lumberjack cook for a Nutra-Grain Bar, a yogurt, and some skim milk - the other lumberjacks might stop eating from their stack of flapjacks and give you the eye.
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My oldest son and I had to have "the talk" the other day. You know the talk - "The birds and the bees talk" - questions about sex and how it all works, what goes where, how, when, etc. The best part about it was that he explained it all in a way I could understand and made me feel comfortable. Thanks son.

July the third

2006-07-03T01:07:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to all our nation's military men & women who are serving their country overseas, far away from their families and friends. I've been there and done that. Thank you for your service and sacrifice.
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Sure it's pretty cool in the old westerns when they show an old west town and tumbleweeds are blowing around - but the Monkey thinks it'd be even cooler if some of those tumbleweeds were on fire.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " I have strange fantasies. Yesterday - in a meeting - I fantasised about dressing as a bear and going to sit in a deck chair at the beach eating an ice cream."
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Monkey Sex Tip of the Day: SOME women, when you're giving it to them really hard & rough doggy-style, like for you to reach up and pull their hair, but don't try this with the ladies you're fucking at the elderly home - that's probably a wig man!!!
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If I were that rabbit like I saw today on highway 90 in Montana, hit by a car and laying mangled but still alive in the middle of the highway, I'd wait until a car passed over me and I'd reach up and grab a hold of their bumper and hang on- because MAYBE it's a greeny hot hippy chick with big tits and she'd take me home and her father's a veterinarian and he'd nurse me back to health while I looked at the hippy girl's tits.
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I think it would suck if you were an old-west gunslinger and some cowboy in a bar challenged you to a gun fight - and he told you to meet him at high noon in the street for a gun fight - but you thought he said "high MOON" and showed up that night and waited...and waited....and waited....

6/28, 1978

2006-06-28T01:05:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of 6 year old Aaron Woodson, who was killed by an illegally passing truck after exiting his school bus in Suffolk, New York. Stop for the school buses you idiots! (Some of my favorites today along with some new stuff)
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When I was a kid we were big on HATS & HELMETS!: At school the fireman would come to talk to us and hand out red plastic fire chief hats, and at home we had the big white NASA plastic astronaut helmets with the cool black visor, and at night we boys played with our purple-helmeted warriors of love.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " i concentrate on something like the tv remote and try and move it with my mind, then when i think about it later i feel stupid.."
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I guess I've always been sort of perverted & sick - when I was a kid and watched "The Andy Griffith Show" I always thought it'd be wild to have an episode where Andy and Barny come home early and find Opie up in Aunt Bee's bedroom, with Aunt Bee on her hands and knees and Opie behind her giving her a sloppy wet rim job.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "Quick Lube" (PG-17) - this groundbreaking documentary uses 5 hidden cameras in one of those "15 minute lube and oil change" shops to reveal what REALLY goes on after you drop your car off and head across the street to have a coffee and wait. (Runtime: 15 minutes. Graphic Sexual Content, Bestiality, Bondage Scenes, Explicit Language, Oil-Sex-Play scenes, Drug/Alcohol abuse, Sodomy, Graphic Violence, Rape Scenes, Mild Trepanning Scenes)
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Movie ticket checkers don't EVEN find it amusing if you walk backwards past them with no ticket and say "I was just leaving"
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Monkey Quote of the Day. "Show me a 'Happy Camper' and I'll show you a Boy Scout who smuggled some weed to the Jamboree in the bottom of his sleeping bag"

It's Monday, June something.

2006-06-26T06:03:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Sarah Michelle Gellar. I would drink her bath water, I would eat the corn out of her poop. 'nuff said.
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Things that piss the monkey off: "Please enter your 16 digit account number followed by the pound sign" (Monkey enters 16 digit account number twice because he fucked it up the first time) "Thank you. Please hold for the next available representive" (Monkey waits 73 seconds) "Hello my name is Lisa I'll be happy to assist you, may I please have your account number to better assist you?" WTF!? Why enter it in the first place!? Arrrghhh!
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " Tomorrow at 5 a.m. i am going to kill myself." (5 AM!? WTF!? Why not sleep in? - Monkey)
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Monkey Labs Inc. works on solving world hunger, (update) Monkey Labs, Inc. has decided that the answer to world hunger is not creating FOOD, but rather to shrink all people down to about 1 inch in height so they can get by on LESS food. One or two grains of rice can feed ONE small person! (Now if we can just find a way to stop poor/starving people from FUCKING and reproducing we'll be done with this problem.)
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I think it would suck if you met a hot dancer named "Butterscotch" and you took her home - thinking that her pussy will SURELY taste like butterscotch (which you love) but I'll be damned if her pussy wasn't nasty and stanky like an old dead fish - and then the next time you saw her you accidently called her "Butterfish"
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Monkey Laboratories latest invention: Disposable Wedding Rings! (DWR's) - are you one of those women who takes off your wedding ring and throws it across the room or out the window every time he pisses you off? Are you one of those guys who takes off your ring on business travels and accidently leaves it on the hotel night stand? NO MORE - these rings look just like the real deal but at a cost of only about $.40 each - feel free to be a drama queen and throw it in the trash in front of him - he won't even know the difference! Feel free to leave it in your car or hotel room when traveling - it's only 40 cents!

6/22/06

2006-06-22T06:10:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Charlize Theron. Repeat City today - sorry.
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Monkey Tip of the Day: If you're a poor boy and can't afford Sea Monkeys, I'm thinking maybe some sperm in a jar of water? Would that be just as fun?
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If you were a cat and you work in a kitty litter factory making kitty litter - when you had to go to the bathroom - what would you do? Would you just pee or poop on the floor? Is that allowed or not!?
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I think if you went to West Virginia - and you told someone they were "lying through your teeth", you'd not only be calling them a liar but you'd be making fun of them.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "I was at my friends grandma's house and we were playing tag in the backyard, then his grandma came out and offered us some cookies and juice. Then she asked me if I had liked the grape taste in the juice so I punched her." (Jeez - Picky Picky! - Monkey)
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If you live in an apartment and the guy upstairs was playing his music too loud, you could knock on the roof with a broomstick, but an even better way to get the music to stop would be to set your own apartment on fire - sure you'd lose everything, and it takes several minutes, but you could go back to sleep knowing the music would stop within minutes.
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If I were the executioner, about to behead some poor fool with my huge axe, I'd purposely swing just a little high and take off most of their hair on top of their head. The audience might think it was funny, hell, even the person being beheaded might get a chuckle out of it - you've got to lighten things up sometimes.
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If I were a dog, whenever I licked my balls I'd lick lick lick and then moan. Hmmm....lick lick....ahhh....lick lick lick...mmmm....

Seems like 6/20

2006-06-20T09:14:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Calista Flockhart.
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I can't help but think if you were a person born perfectly normal except for you had two squid tentacles instead of arms - and you got pulled over by the cops and they started screaming "Keep your hands on the wheel sir!" - you could sue the government for a LOT of money for discrimination and harassment and you'd be rich squid boy! RICH!
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If I were a prisoner I think it would be funny if when the guard walks down the line, if I took a handful of warm water from my cell sink, and run up and toss the warm water in his face. He'd of course get pissed off, thinking I threw sperm or urine in his face, and he'd open my cell and beat the living shit out of me, but I'd have the last laugh - 'cause I'd know it was really only warm water!
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug " I just masturbated with a watermelon. Is that wrong?" (It depends - as long as both of you swear never to tell anyone or do it again together you're okay - Monkey)
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I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
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Monkey Childhood Fantasy: I’m Shaggy in the Scooby Doo van and I’m finally alone with Daphne and I take her to the back of the van, set her pretty ass down on the wheel well and hike up her fuck-me mini-skirt – she’s got no panties on and a nicely trimmed hot wet beaver is in my face and I devour her pussy for two hours straight while she grips my shaggy hair and comes over and over again.
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Would the ladies at my bank be upset if I rented out a safety deposit box to store a really cool dog turd I found the other day?
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I think deer and moose (and my ex-wife) probably spend a lot of time wondering – “Why the fuck do I have tree limbs growing out of my head!?”

Today's 6/19 I think

2006-06-19T09:17:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to all you fathers out there - hope you had a great Father's Day weekend! (Some oldies today - still trying to wake up)
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
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I want to meet the brilliant guy at the dog food company who decided to put coupons IN the 50 lb bag of dog food. Please bring him to me. Dead or alive. My dog is not amused by those coupons falling out in her dog bowl either, Mr. Smart Ass.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "lately i have been wondering what it would be like to wake up in the shire, having breakfast with frodo and sam...talking about how warm the sun feels on our faces...i truly believe i was meant to be a hobbit... " (More than likely I predict you're going to wake up and find you were truly meant to be a faggot instead - Monkey)
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Fun thing to do at work: When you get a call at your company for someone else - say "I'll try and transfer you - but I'm not very good at it - but let me try and transfer you to his/her desk...hold on please". Then do the transfer thing, but first get an outside line, then transfer them to some random number in Sichuan, China. (Use 011, then 86 for China's country code, then 28 for Sichuan, China, then some random numbers.) It's great fun and the people in Sichuan China LOVE getting calls so don't worry!
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I think if you were "The Amazing Plastic Eating Boy" in the circus, you'd get pretty sick of dumb rednecks coming up to you after the show, bringing you stupid shit to eat: "Here can you eat this here plastic lawn chair yuck yuck" Grow the fuck up.

It's about 6/16/1947

2006-06-15T22:38:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to all of you out there who are lonely and feel they are unloved. True loneliness is a terrible thing, and to not know what it's like to feel loved is also terrible. If I could I would give every lonely person in this world a big hug and a smile and spend some time with them I would. I'm trying more frequent, smaller Monkey blogs these days.
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the Monkey thinks "Sudoku" is a Japanese word that translates to Su: "What the fuck!?" do: "This shit sucks!" ku: "I just don't get it!"
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I think if you were in Heaven and you had your harp and started fucking around with it, pretending your harp was a pitchfork and you were in Hell - and one of the Angels or Jesus or God saw you - they'd be like "HEY!! You think that shit is FUNNY!? I'll send your clown-ass down there if you think that shit's so funny - that's a fuckin' EXPENSIVE musical instrument not a prop for a GAG to make your buddies laugh Mr. Funny Man!!!"
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "Several times I've tried building a fake pussy out of household materials. Never worked." (Your mother's been wondering where the vacuum cleaner, the toaster oven, the can of 1040 Motor Oil and the spa pump motor were!! - Monkey)
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The internet CAN be a bad thing - like when you find on eBay a Hot Wheels car you had when you were a kid is worth $90.00, but you can remember the day you and your teen buddies smoked that bowl and blew the shit out of that very Hot Wheel car with some fire crackers and burned it with lighter fluid.

It must be 6/15/06

2006-06-14T22:30:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Roberta Pedon (born 1954 in Ohio) a big-busted American hot glamour model who gained popularity in the 1970s, made her money, and retired. Some of my favorites today.
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One good thing about being a caveman would be when smartasses come up to you and say "Nice wrinkled shirt - what'd you iron that with - a rock?" You could say "yes".
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Free Monkey Tip of the Day: "If you're in a lynch mob and everyone's gathered at night outside the sheriff's office for a good ol' fashioned lynching' party, you know those torches carried all night and that fire is doing terrible damage to your skin, when you go home later that night, toss those ol' smelly clothes in the wash and treat your skin to some Olay Total Effects Intensive Restoration Treatment cream.
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Don't you hate it when you're so drunk you go to the bathroom to put in some eyedrops but instead end up going into the garage and putting "Ortho Weed-B-Gon Lawn
Weed Killer 2" in your eyes? (Both of 'em)
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "my wife is a selfish cunt who only truly cares about herself. I can count on once every six months or so her blowing up about nothing and treating me like total ass for a day or two, before she comes crawling back to me apologizing for her behavior. Fuck you. " (Ahh - another newlywed - Monkey)
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I had a healthy, normal childhood. I can still remember when I learned that I could take Silly Putty and lift a picture of a coochy from my older brother's Hustler magazine. I'd then have a really cool, stretchable pussy that I could almost even open - I called my invention "Silly Pussy" (Pat. Pending) and it was my first invention. I was nine.
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Things that suck: You've got her all worked up, you're doing her really good and she's even getting into some dirty talk like you like, and your left toe hits the "REDIAL" button on the cordless phone that was on the bed (for some fucked up reason)and now her mother gets to hear her daughter and you cumming hard together. (And it took her 27 minutes to hang up)

Flag Day in the US of A

2006-06-13T23:16:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to all our hard-working airport TRW workers who hear the same ol' bullshit unfunny jokes and grumbling and moaning from EVERY fuckin' passenger going through the gate. Fuck off these guys are trying to keep your complaining ass from being blown to 3 billion pieces.
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Signs the Monkey is old: I remeber when everyone had only 1-3 TV Networks to watch - and kids programming was limited, so the next day at school or in the neighborhood we had a lot more in common because we were all on the same page.
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It's probably a bad sign if you're having sex with your woman and she wants you to lean over and get her the remote - you don't have to pull out - but slide that remote this way.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "i lost my virginity to a pot head who kills squirrels" (And I have apologized over and OVER again God can't you just FORGET IT!! - Monkey)
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Hey the monkey works out hard and often and has a NICE body - I'm proud to say it - the other day I was admiring all my hard work in the mirror - my abs are coming in, my chest is just the way I want it, and the fucking Wal-Mart security guard comes out of his office and has the balls to ask me to please put my shirt back on and step away from his 2-way mirror! What a dick!
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Monkey Childhood Hobby: When the electricity went out in OUR house, my brother monkeys and I thought it was GREAT fun to run around the house in the dark turning everything on, with settings of high volume, high temperature, Blend, bake, full, etc. It made the dark time more entertaining because we knew when that power came back on our mom was gonna have a cow!

Today's About 6/13

2006-06-12T21:35:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Jenna Haze. Half new, half old today. I love you folks.
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So I go to use some Bathroom Cleaner on my toilet and I sprayed it in the toilet like the directions said and THEN the directions say "Leave for 1-3 hours". And wouldn't you know it was raining outside!?
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Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "i once screwed a girl with a sandwich bag on my dick. i didnt want to get her pregnant or catch a disease.. i didnt have a condom on me. i was 13"
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I think if I were an old west cowboy, I'd be a gunslinger. Yep, I'd sneak up to the saloon door and sling my gun in there at all the other cowboys as hard as I could and then run like hell down the street, giggling.
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So Saturday night I told that hot bartender lady that I really wanted to have sex on the beach, and she brought me a drink, so I took my drink down to the beach and waited for her but she never showed up. Bitch.
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If I were a construction worker or a roofer, I’d teach myself to go down ladders headfirst. This would immediately earn me admiration at almost any job site I was working on, and before long my cool construction-worker-nickname would be “Spider” and I'd get "SPIDER" tattooed across my back, upside-down so I'd be even cooler going down those ladders headfirst.
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If I just joined a monastery and the next morning the other monks came by at 4 AM to wake me for morning prayers and meet me – I’d yell through the door “Jesus Christ it’s 4 fuckin’ AM in the morning! You fuckers get up THIS early to pray!? Goddamn!!” (Of course REALLY I’d be ready to get up and pray with them – but this would be a great way to break the ice when they found out I was only joking.)
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If I were a fire fighter and in a burning house, I think it would be a good time to go into the lady’s bedroom and snoop around in her panties – I’d try to sniff the ones in her dirty clothes but I’ll bet with all the smoke in there and my fire fighter’s mask I couldn’t smell much.

It's Friday the 9th of June

2006-06-09T06:08:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of all brave Monkeys who have gone into space with NASA. Today Monkey brings out some of his favorites, plays around with 'em, and puts them back out. Have a great weekend!
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They say to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how we will react. I've already decided, if I ever wake up and find I've shrunk down to about a half an inch tall, I'm going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of 'em as a really cool recliner type chair, and my table is going to be one of those little white table-looking things that come in pizza boxes.
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When I was a kid in school I spent so much time with my desk out in the hallway away from the others that when I finally DID get let in the classroom, I hardly knew any of the other kids.
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(And that was home-schooling)
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I think if you were a fly and you were getting ready to go down on your girlfriend, because of your screwy fly eyes that make you see 200 of everything, you'd stick out your little fly tongue to taste her but wouldn't know which coochy was the right one and you'd get embarrassed and probably just fly away and go sit down on a dog turd and rub your hands and feet together for awhile.
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How come you women always pick then MAN’S UNDERWEAR up off the floor by the bed after sex to wipe the cum off your breasts, neck and face, and ceiling? YOUR underwear is down there on the floor too! That’s just rude.
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II think what would suck about being born with a half-dog, half-human face is that everyone would pretend it doesn’t bother them and they’d pretend you were just like everyone else – and you KNOW that’s bullshit. I’d snap at their faces every now and again.
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I can’t help but think that there’s probably a boy in some country out there, in some weird language, with the name “Penis Head” – but if he immigrated with his family to the U.S. he’d claim his name was pronounced “pee-NISH-e-ahd” Yeah whatever dick head boy.

It's 6/6/7 (The Neighbor of the Beast!!)

2006-06-06T22:16:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to all you grandparents out there who had your kid move far away for another job and take your precious grand baby from you. That must suck.
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Remember being in the playground and it's finally your turn at the top of the slide and the little bitch girl behind you is like "Hurry UP!" Remember you'd slap her really hard across the thigh and then quickly make your escape down the slide!? I did this the other day at the park and the girl's parents ran up and were highly upset and screaming something about the cops - Jeez - kids are so sensitive these days!
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A long time ago, did people used to hold their breath waiting on something to happen? Was that part of our culture? I don't think so - so why the FUCK do people always say "Don't hold your breath" when you're waiting on something!? I wasn't PLANNING on holding my breath!!
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I'm VERY critical when it comes to my porn - and by golly if you've got a jpeg called "Woman sucking a huge cock" and she's got her mouth on it but his cock is totally DRY - then I know she's not REALLY sucking it - so it's crap! Monkey Porn Reviewers gives this our "Two limp dicks" rating.
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Some people suck - I had spent about 30 minutes carefully prepping and actually cooking a nice meal for myself, a delectable, succulent, four-star feast, a special, well-presented meal for myself, and my friend comes by and fucks it up with: "Monkey why do you have a piece of fried baloney on a dinner plate?" I threw him out and the evening was ruined.
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My favorite confession from today's Grouphug "my name is katie and i go to prendiville catholic college. at night i have a barney doll that i make out with and i've attached a rubber dildo to him and i moan when i come and pretend its my brother.the other night i was yelling out his name and he walked in on me. now i cant look him in the face" (Chill out, he was only looking for his rubber dildo! - Monkey)
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If I were an alien with my own UFO I'd come down to Earth, land in the middle of a huge city in broad daylight, right in front of everyone - I'd then exit my UFO to the gasps and screams of the people, and I'd slowly walk over to a trash can and pull out a random object, walk slowly back to my UFO and make a dramatic exit - and I'd giggle my green alien ass off, because the dumb humans would spend the next 300 years analyzing and speculating and studying "The Day The Aliens took a Diet Dr. Pepper Can"

Today's got to be at least 6/5

2006-06-04T23:49:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Stella Stevens - I watched her the other day in original THE NUTTY PROFESSOR (1963) Holy shit I could look into those incredible eyes forever, and I want the DVD version so I can put that doll in freeze-frame and slow motion and enjoy every second of her.
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When my mother said to one of us kids "Run out and put these envelopes in the mailbox and don't forget to raise the flag!!" - I'd always forget to raise that flag, and she'd find her bills in there later when she checked the mail. That was grounds for an instant on-the-spot-ass whuppin', right there in the front yard for the whole neighborhood to see and hear.
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Stupid thing the Monkey likes to do when in a car with someone: I'll wait until someone turns in front of us and I'll say "Nice turn signal!!!" And the person I'm with will say "What? They used their turn signal!" - and I'll say "I know, I saw it, it was really nice, I was just pointing that out"
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I've come to the conclusion that I'm a pathetic, chronically horny, immature monkey; I was looking at a serious pamphlet in a waiting room about "Endometrial Ablation" and found myself getting all hard and worked up because they have a diagram of a vagina/uterus, to teach about the procedure, and mmmmm pussssyyyyyy
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I think it would suck if you were a teenager dude and your name was "Aflac" - you'd end up hanging yourself with your Dad's necktie down in the basement for all the shit people would give you.
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I'm willing to bet that National Geographic doesn't show us EVERY THING they find in the fancy Egyptian pharaohs tombs - like when the pharaohs used to insist that they be buried with their favorite elaborate, hand-carved, ivory and solid gold "pocket pussy" to use in the next life, with the lifelike, fleshlike lips made from the leaves of the date palms that grew along the Nile.
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Signs you've had too much to drink and the next day's gonna suck: You go to sleep and dream - but your dream is the TV commercial for Zamfir, "MASTER of the Pan Flute" - and the commercial plays - over, and over, and over again, until the hauntingly beautiful pan flute is interrupted by your alarm clock.
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Don't you hate it when you are on a 56K Dial-Up internet connection and your friends and family send these emails with a 19912K movie attachments and they write "Open this one up and check it out, it's hilarious" Fuck you it is - ain't nuthin' that funny that I gotta wait 4 hours to see it - I don't even do that for porn buddy!

Last Day of May

2006-05-30T22:04:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Click and Clack, the Tappet Brothers on NPR's "Car Talk" show. I never tire of those guys. (no pun intended)
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Monkey rants: You people that keep mixing that "Hentai" and "Manga" shit with REAL porn cut that shit out!? I don't care about "Cute Japanese Cartoon Girls taking it up their backsides" - they're CARTOONS for crying out loud!! GROW UP!
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I can't help but think in SOME country's language the word for "Axe Murderer" sounds a lot like "House-keeping!" and this could lead to some fun when these guys come stay in our country in hotels.
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I think it sucks when you're eating dinner at someone's house and the food is nasty so you sneak over to the sink and dump it all out, THEN realize the bastards not only can't cook worth a hoot, but they're too cheap to buy a garbage disposal?!!?
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Don't you hate it when your company's IT Department tries to be all "official" and they say "You must change your password now. Please note passwords must be 14 characters long and contain at least four of the following: 1) A mixture of numbers/letters 2) At least two uppercase letters, 3) Two Chinese characters, and 4) A non-alphabet character such as #(@#. What the hell!? My birth date doesn't contain all that shit, nor does my last name!
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Monkey Studios Movie Idea of The Day: SANDWICH (PG-17) a touching animated children's movie (Look out Pixar!) about a jellyfish who falls in love outside her species - she finds herself attracted to the rare Peanut-Butter fish - and of course ALL the other sea creatures have to crack peanut-butter & jelly fish jokes NON STOP and that shit gets OLD man, Jesus fuck OFF will ya!? The couple try and hide and..(Well, I won't give away the ending) 2hrs, 48 min, black and white, Graphic Sex Scenes, Strong Violence, implied bestiality, Sodomy, Race, Strong Language, Nudity)

Memorial Day 2006

2006-05-29T10:13:00.000-07:00

Today's lil' blog is dedicated war veterans everywhere, past and present, on Memorial day, thank you for your sacrifices and service to our great nation. Today's' bog is also dedicated to that hot babe (Tawny Kitaen) in the Whitesnake "Here I Go Again" music video - I saw that video again on VH1 Classics and I still dream about her.
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I think one of the worst jobs in the world would be the guy that watches the "people mover" things in the airport and has to say over and over again all day "Caution, moving sidewalk is coming to an end, please look down. Caution, moving sidewalk is coming to an end, please look down, Caution, moving sidewalk is..."
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X-Ray technicians at the hospital DON'T think it's amusing when you ask if she'll give you a boner and snap a picture of it.
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If I worked for the Highway Department I think it'd be great fun to find a really empty, flat stretch of highway with no mountains around and put up a "Watch For Falling Rocks" sign.
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Things the Monkey fears: I have a fear - I am always scared that one morning I'm going to get up and have to pee really badly - I run to the toilet and find that there's a baby squid in the toilet bowl - he's clinging to the sides so I can't flush him, he's purple colored and I can see his eyes and he's squirming around...but I have to pee really badly - do I pee on him? Will he mind if I pee on his head?

It's almost 5/25 1974

2006-05-24T21:49:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Mother Teresa of Calcutta, (1910 - 1997)
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You meet some cheap, CHEAP bastards at yard sales. I had a woman come up to me at my yard sale and actually have the balls to say "Look I know you're asking 10 bucks for this Barbie doll but um.. it's missing her left leg, has no head, and someone has carved "Ozzy Rules!" on her stomach. How about a quarter for it?"
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The Monkey Cage readers are too smart to be clicking on those lame ads ANYWAY!! Good riddance!:
"Your PayClick.org account has been terminated, because our advertisers have determined that your website does not meet their requirements."
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I think it would be cool to go back to the 1950's and go to a "Lover's Lane". Sitting up there in the car looking over the city lights, listening to romantic music, my big hard monkey penis out, the heavy breathing... I'd even bring a girl with me sometimes.
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To be one of the guys, here's what you have to do - any time you're doing anything mechanical with a buddy, working on a car or whatever, always find a way to mention "cunt hair". Examples: "We need to turn that bolt just a cunt hair", or "...the torque on this sonofabitch is just a cunt hair off" It's just one of those "guy things" that has to be said/done.
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Here's a free Monkey Tip for Veterinarians!: Vets - the next time you neuter a young cat, don't throw those balls away just yet! Make a really cool "catnip ball toy" for cats! They love 'em! Here's how; keep some catnip handy in the OR, after removing the cat's balls, quickly sprinkle some catnip into the little scrotum, sew it up - whamo - instant cat toy! You can even give it to the cat you just neutered as a "Get Well Soon!" fun cat toy! (He'll think it looks vaguely familiar - but won't recognize them entirely - don't worry)
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "One of the best ways to keep your teenager off pot is to make sure when you're not home you lock your bedroom door or just take it with you" Monkey...the anti-drug.
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I live in a small Montana town and the other day I looked out of my window and saw a group of hunters standing around in a parking lot. (It's hunting season) - they stood in a circle as I watched, each man would take a turn pulling out his big rifle and show it to the other guys and they'd all admire it. Some guys had rifles that were bigger than the other guys did. Sometimes if a guy had a really nice rifle the other guys would touch it and rub it's long hard shaft and admire the tip and caress it. Sometimes two guys at once would fondle and admire one guy's gun - one would be admiring and stroking the shaft while the other guy paid attention to the tip. I finally closed the curtains and went inside to give them some privacy.

5/23/09

2006-05-22T23:20:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to a man in China named Mo Yiyan - I'm not sure WHO he is - but I'll bet you there IS a guy in China named that - and I'll bet he's a swell guy too. Today's half new stuff, and half old stuff I drug out, dusted off, and maybe even modified a bit.
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I ACCIDENTALLY stumbled upon a porn site - "Naughty Office" - where it says "Bosses fucking their secretaries! Co-Workers fucking each other!" Hell, that's about EVERY office isn't it!?
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If I'm ever taken captive, abducted by aliens, and they take me up on their spaceship to do "tests" I've already got a plan: I'm going to politely ask if I may use their bathroom, and while in there, I'd find a toilet where some slob alien bastard had taken a dump and not flushed it, I'd reach into that toilet and take a finger full of the alien's poop and stick it up my ass - gross? Yes. Very. But I'd have the last laugh because when they did their infamous "anal probe" on me they'd get readings saying we I was of the SAME GENETIC MAKEUP as them - and they'd HAVE to let me go!
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I think if you were paid to be one of those folks that "may monitor this call for quality assurance and training purposes" and every now and again you busted out laughing you'd probably get into some trouble.
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If I were a woman (and it's a good thing I'm not) - every time I was having my period I'd wear one of those cool Red Cross "Hug Me! I Gave Blood Today" badges.
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If I worked at a fast food drive-thru on the intercom, I'd tell people to "Thank You. Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me 'cause I'd be in the 2nd window!
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I think if you were a caveman, and you said to your wife: "Hummugga gawa gummu!!!" - and she responded back with a smartassed "Gumma Luuma Gow-Gow!" - you'd have NO CHOICE but to hit her upside the head with a rock - you do NOT speak to your husband like that you big smelly hairy cave woman bitch!! And trim that bush for crying out loud!!!

Weekend Monkey Thoughts

2006-05-21T18:05:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, (because I told her last night I'd dedicate today's blog to her)
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You know you're pretty damned drunk when you're dancing at the bar, and you suddenly realize you're dancing with two guys, and then you realize holy shit these two guys you're dancing with have GUNS! And holy shit - you're not dancing after all - you're fighting and swinging - it just feels sort of like dancing - and they're cops!
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Monkey in the Media. From The Billings Outpost:
"The Gazette’s website also links to Montana-based blogs, including the Monkey Cage. The proprietor of the Monkey Cage blog is a genuinely funny guy, but I wouldn’t repeat much of what he writes in polite company, or even in rude company. If newspapers are responsible for people they quote, are they responsible for people they link to?"
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I'll bet it's nerve-wracking if you were thrown into a jail in the old west, and you wake up the next morning and sure enough - there's hammering outside in the street and you think - FUCK - they're building the gallows to hang me - but you peek through the bars in the street and it's just some kid building a dog house. Whew.
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Favorite confession from today's Group Hug "I go for slow walks many nights in a secluded park in a bad part of town, and stick out my butt a little and walk effeminately, hoping some of the teenagers there playing basketball will rob and then rape me. I'm a 47-year-old male school principal in Scranton, happily married for 23 years, and my wife would kill me if she found out."
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I think if you were a serial killer, and your trademark "calling card" is that you always stabbed your victims as many times as the age they were, but you ALSO left a dog turd at the scene, the media would go nuts - they wouldn't know which cool serial-killer nickname to give you! Some would call you "The Age Stabber" and perhaps others would call you something like "The Dog Turd Killer", and it'd be confusing for everyone involved.

It's 05/18/05

2006-05-18T05:44:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to that Motor City Madman himself - Ted Nugent.
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It'd be rough if you hacked up your ex-wife and her bitch mother into 720 pieces with an axe, and you went to bury them in the back yard, but then you remembered the Power/Utilities ad campaign about "Call Before You Dig" - and started getting really scared you might hit a buried line if you didn't call....
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Monkey Web Idea: Monkey Productions Inc. is working on another version of Google - called "Giggle" - it's a joke/humor search engine!
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I think it'd be hilarious to get a personalize license plate that says "D3L 914"
(No it doesn't mean anything at all - THAT'S what makes it funny dammit!
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I went to the gym the other day and was having a blast just watching the women, with their glistening sweaty skin, their toned bodies....I was getting a woody and enjoying myself when suddenly the fuckin' gym manager comes in and said I had to leave the women's bathroom.
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My little handy fancy digital thermometer has the INSIDE temperature, the OUTSIDE temperature, and I discovered cool hidden features; if I turn the thing upside down I can get UPSIDE-DOWN-INSIDE temperature (Currently "hL") and UPSIDE-DOWN-OUTSIDE temperature (currently "h9")

Today's the seventeenth of May

2006-05-17T07:26:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to the beautiful Elizabeth Taylor. Old stuff today – sorry
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I was in a restaurant today, and went to the bathroom - I was about to wash my hands when I saw a sign above the sink: "Employees Must Wash Hands" - so I waited, and waited - no employee showed up - what a rip off - I had to wash my own hands.
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I have a really good talent, but I'm not sure if I can put it on my resume. When I get undressed, I can flick my underwear up in the air with my toes, and this morning I was even able to flip it up, OVER MY HEAD, and catch it behind my back. Is that talent or what?
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I think if you were a cowboy out on the range with the other cowboys, sitting around the fire eating beans and drinking thick, black coffee - you wouldn't want to say "Say...any of you guys have any of that Sleepy Time Herbal Tea? That stuff is awesome!"
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Don't you hate it when you think you're being clever - and have a child's birthday coming up - and you decide on a cool blue plastic Albertson's grocery bag, (They're free and fun!) and some asshole adult at the kid's party has to ruin it by pointing out to everyone "NOT A TOY" on the side of the bag, and everyone acts as if YOU'RE an asshole!?
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Monkey Movie idea of the Day: "Scarecrow" (PG-17) - a movie set in the future, where the politically correct assholes have all but taken over America. But when they declare that scarecrows are "insensitive" and politically incorrect and set out to destroy them, this is the last straw for many Americans (pun intended) and America's second great Civil War is on. Starring Russell Crowe. (2 hrs, 09 min Graphic Nudity, Graphic Violence, Drug use, Bestiality, Adult language, Extreme Degradation, Graphic depiction of invasive medical procedures, Masturbation Scenes, Eye-gouging scenes, Rape scenes, Sodomy, Incest)
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Signs you may be in a nasty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they signed it in human feces with their finger!
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If I were a clam living in the ocean, I'd never shave, I'd grow a big thick beard just to watch scuba divers point at me and laugh and grab their buddies and point at me and mouth the words "Look - a bearded clam!"
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If I were a scuba diver and saw a clam on the ocean floor that had a beard, I'd get my scuba buddy's attention and point at it and mouth "Look, a bearded clam!"

Today's May the Sixteenth, 2 thousand seven, 8:31 AM

2006-05-16T07:29:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to those airport employees who push around empty wheel chairs. Today's blog is 90% new stuff.
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I think it would suck if you were running a meth lab and right in the middle of cooking a batch and your little five-year-old daughter keeps coming in wanting you to cook her some Mac & Cheese. “Dammit Honey Daddy’s WORKING right now!”
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Helpful Tip to Monkey-Cage readers: When you're a kid, humming or singing into a fan is loads of fun and entertaining, but please don't let anyone catch you doing it when you're 41 years old.
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Monkey Studios Movie Idea of the Day: “Skin Flute” ( R) True story. In 1979 a Michigan man named Robert J. Skin invented in his garage a new form of the flute – a flute never before seen – a flute that he was sure would change the music world. He called it the “Skin Flute” and begins to promote it. He was shocked to find the music industry laughed at his Skin Flute, but he was sure it would be a hit and he took to the roads to promote it himself, traveling around to schools and colleges and orchestras, begging flutist to PLEASE take his skin flute in their mouth and try it, just ONCE! You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll never forget this movie. (2 hrs, 40 min) Graphic Violence, Adult Situations, Adult Language, Drug Use, Sodomy, Nudity, Implied Bestiality
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I think if you invented one of those high-powered “energy drinks”, made it bright orange in color, and called it “Agent Orange” people would buy it up left and right. Trust me on this one.
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When I was a little boy when no one was looking I’d take my nieces Barbie Doll, put it in a short skirt, and bend her over way far so I could see her ass..mmmm..this would give the little Monkey a woody, and to this day I can’t get off with a lady unless I first shave her completely bald down there, then take a Sharpie and draw lines on her legs so it looks like her legs are attached to her like Barbie’s were.
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(I’m only kidding on that last one – really I am.)
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I think one part of the Americana Hobo history that doesn't get glorified (or even mentioned) is the days when the hobos on the train would gather in the box car and suck each other's wine/urine/sweat smelling nasty hobo cocks.

Saturday Morning Wake Up Thoughts

2006-05-13T11:27:00.000-07:00

Today's Saturday morning blog is dedicated to all those Chinese folks in China that are always riding around on bicycles. Y'all crack me up.
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I still think Bukkake is a fine name but you don't meet many girls with that name.
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I think back in the old days if your friends showed up at your house and said "You wanna go get stoned?" - you'd have to be careful..."You mean....with rocks?" you better ask.
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If I were a super hero - when people made cracks about why I'm wearing my underwear on the outside of my clothes I'd smash their faces into a million pieces with my fist - that shit gets REALLY old.
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I like to think that deep, deep in the ocean, there is an Octopus that is filled with love for ALL beings on Earth - a wondrous, all-loving being this Octopus is - but he's so far down at the bottom of the ocean - what good is he to any of us? Fuck him I say.
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I think a cool and funny trick those Christians probably played back in the days when they were fed to lions was to swallow a shitload of chili powder before going out into the arena - that way when the lions started devouring them the lions would start to sneeze and sneeze and all the people watching would get a giggle out of it.

5/11/08

2006-05-11T06:12:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Led Zeppelin. 'nuff said. Today's some new, some old.
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One thing that sucks about having sex is cleaning up afterwards - there's sticky keys and my mouse is all nasty and sometimes I have to wipe off my monitor. Sucks.
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I think if you were a miner back in the old days - the other miners would get pissed off if you constantly yelled "It's the Mother Load!!" and when they came over you were just over there taking a dump at your claim.
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I think if you got caught looking at hardcore porn by your boss and you said you were "looking for ways to fuck our competition" that the boss wouldn't believe you.
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People act like Baptizing a baby is so special - screw that - I say AUTHORIZE 'em! How many times have you seen signs that say "Baptized Personnel Only" - hardly EVER.
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I think if it sucks that the porn websites all name their movies and pictures "01.jpg", "02.jpg"..., "01.mpg" "02.mpg", etc - come on now - don't you think we get sick of that "An older item named 04.mpg already exist in this location. Do you want to replace it with the one you're moving?"
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If I were a taxi driver in New York City, I'd be just one of those taxis that just drives around splashing people with puddles - I wouldn't even pick up any fares - and I'd only work on rainy days.
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If I ran a dildo manufacturing factory when I fired people I'd say - "You just don't know dick"
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Don’t you hate it when you’ve been up all night knockin’ back shots of tequila at the tittie bar and you’ve only had about an hours sleep before work – but you go to work anyway, half-drunk and hung over and you can’t keep your eyes open –and your boss just WON'T let up on you or leave you alone: “United Airlines 419 – please adjust your altitude and bearing!” yeah yeah yeah whatever. “United Airlines 419 do you copy?!” – leave me ALONE!

Does anyone really know what date it is...does anyone really care?

2006-05-04T00:02:00.000-07:00

This blog's dedicated to The Three Stooges - to this day those guys can have me laughing my ASS off! (And men I believe it's a weird FACT - at least 8 out of 10 women can't STAND the Three Stooges!) I'm taking 4 days off - going back home to see my mother and family! I'll be back on the 10th. Have a great weekend - I love you all
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You ever just get the urge to take a nice, long, HOT shower - and you rip off your clothes and jump in and that water feels oh-so-good and you're enjoying yourself and those fuckin' Home Depot employees come running and start raising hell and whining about "It's for display! Get out!".
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I saw a menu today that read "Grill Cheese". They also had "Fry Chicken" and you could also get "Grill Onion"!!
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Wouldn't it suck if you were a successful businessman who ran huge money-making web sites and you asked your wife to PROUDLY wear one of YOUR company's tee-shirts and she refused!? Just because it was cumslurpinsluts.com and anal-annialaters.com!? Jeez thanks for being such a supportive wife!
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I take great pleasure for some reason in the term "bumbling idiot" - I love to hear it (not often enough - it's more old-timey) - I love to even SAY it - "You bumbling idiot!" Doesn't it sound cool!? Try it!
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I think it would flat-out suck if you went with your girlfriend to her Mother's house for a huge family meal and you had your hard dick out at the dinner table for your girlfriend to secretly play with, and then the fuckin' Dad says "Let's all join hands for a prayer" - and her mother reached over and grabbed your cock.
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(Okay that one goes in the first movie I make!)
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I remember as a kid my chain-smoking step-father would get up every morning and just cough and hack his lungs out for 5 minutes at a time, and I'd think "What an idiot - can't he see what the fuck's going on!?" (I thought about that this morning when I woke up hacking my brains out)

It's 5/3/07

2006-05-03T09:36:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to that guy who just drove by my house in the green pick-up truck. Today we got half new, half old!
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If I ever found MY cat in the cradle with the silver spoon, I'd be like "Get the FUCK outta that cradle you nasty flea-bitten Osama-Bin Kitty - and what the hell are you doing with that spoon!? You shootin' up AGAIN!?!?!?"
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Monkey Prediction: In the year 2019 a woman who's baby was born dead because of no oyxgen will sue the U.S. Government to have the phrase "Baby Blue" removed from all literature in the world because she sees it as insensitive and an invasion of her rights. She'll win. "Baby Blue Eyes" no more.
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I envision a man born with a birth defect that makes him look like a giant ass. But he goes on with life and people try to ignore it - until one day at the company BBQ when Dave, drunk again, said in conversation: "Hey I love tits - I'm a tit man - Bob - what about you bud? You a tit man or an ....errr......sorry Bob"
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These kids nowadays, they're not giving a shit about the environment at a younger and younger age. This morning on the way to work I saw a used diaper along the highway.
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Monkey Tee Shirt Idea: "If I had a nickle for every time I've been violently raped .. I'd have $4.80"
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If you were a jelly fish and you were trying to impress the other jelly fish by juggling ONE sea urchin ball, I don't think they'd be that impressed. Fuckin' loser.

It's damned -near Tuesday

2006-05-01T21:03:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is all those who attended the Bob Wills Day celebration last weekend in Turkey, Texas. Bob Wills rocked. Oh Possum's back and ranting about some BS...
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I used to date (11:30 PM - 4:30 AM) a girl who didn't shave or even trim it and let's just say it was an adventure. But in a way kind of fun - like unwrapping a Reese's Peanut Butter cup before you eat it - pushing all that hair aside with my tongue...and that was just to get to her belly button.
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I heard all the Illegal Aliens were staying home from work today in protest - so I stayed home too - fuck yeah I'm with their cause - I teared up when saw E.T.!
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I think if there can be a day when Illegal Aliens protest and stay home from work that there should also be a "Barely LEGAL Teen" protest where all those online porn "barely legal" hot, wet teens rip off their clothes and go into the streets to protest.
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DaVinci Code!? Fuck that here's a "DaMonkey Code"!:
aaaaFaaaaaUaaaaaCaaaaaaKaaaaaaaaaOaaaaaFaaaaaaFaaaaa!!aaa
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My memory's coming back! Just yesterday I remembered where I'd hidden a pot stash! Yep in a hollowed out book back at my Mom's house next to her Hemingway's A Farewell to Arms when I was 12. Fuck I hope she didn't sell those books at one of her confounded yard sales!
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Back in the Old West Days when you were partying in the saloon you could freely pull out your six-shooter and fire off a couple of rounds into the roof of the bar and whoop and holler, and then for a few coins you could go upstairs with a whore and have some fun. But THEN it doesn't seem so FUNNY anymore when those drunk asshole cowboys downstairs keep firing their six-shooters in the ceiling DOES IT!!? That's called KARMA you drunk-ass hypocrite cowboy!
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Monkey's Tip for Guys: Guys - if you leave a nice romantic "I (heart) U" written on her bathroom mirror with lipstick to surprise her when she wakes up - make sure it's not your GIRLFRIEND'S lipstick you found on your Dodge trucks floor and you put it in your pocket to hide later.
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Eminem's comments on his blog: "Dear Mister-I'm-Too-Good-To-Call-Or-Write-My-Fans, this'll be the last comment I ever send your ass. It's been six months and still no word - I don't deserve it? I know you got my last two comments - I wrote the email address on 'em perfect. So this is my comment I'm sending you, I hope you read it." etc. etc.

Weedend Edition.

2006-04-29T01:23:00.000-07:00

Today's weekend blog is dedicated to all you cool Asian ladies who work in the nail shops in the mall doing nails all day and wearing that cool surgical mask.
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True, real-live drama in Monkey's life: I once found myself with a dead car battery on a busy street - I took the battery out to walk it to an auto store I could see up the road. The battery acid leaked on my jeans - my crotch to be exact - and no shit the acid begin to eat away the crotch of my Levi's. By the time I finally made it to the auto store I was holding that battery in front of my naked, exposed willie. But not too close!!! That day sucked severely.
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Monkey BOOK idea of the day!: (Yep I do books too!) I think a sad, sad novel would be a story about a guy out there who has always dreamed about being a Deep Sea Diver - but every time he thinks about "diving" he thinks about MUFF diving, gets horny, and goes out looking for some muff diving activity and he never gets to fulfill his underwater dream.
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In church when I was a kid sometimes when the choir was singing really well (rarely), I'd close my eyes and wonder if that's what it sounds like to be dead - you hear a choir singing church music in the background. That would suck! I'd say "fuck THAT!" and open my eyes again, only to have Mama glare at me - "What did you just mumble!?!?" she'd say.
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Another installment of "Real Life vs. Porn": In REAL life, if your lady was about to cum and you said "Wait let me pull it out and cum on your ____(fill in your favorite) - she'd be like "Yeah RIGHT!!!"
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Monkey BOOK idea of the Day (2): A book of photographs - well done photographs, of restaurant/cafe tickets/bills where the waitress has signed her name and drew something "cute" like a smiley face - I'll collect them from around the country and the world will enjoy all the different styles of smiley faces and names - along with a picture perhaps of the little greasy spoon I was in when I got it.
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: You men and women out there who say you're "trapped" in a marriage you can't stand - and spend YEARS of your life wasted on misery and heartache, all because you think divorce is "wrong" or you're waiting until the "kids are gone" or some other bullshit . Meanwhile it's the KIDS who suffer later in life because they don't know what a healthy relationship between a man and a woman is all about - they've never seen it - so they in turn marry, have kids, and repeat it all. Rinse, repeat, rinse. repeat.
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If I were a horse, and I was walking down the street and saw some guys in a backyard playing horseshoes - I'd be very tempted to yell over at them "HEY!! Those are not TOYS!!!!"

Seems like today could be April the 27th, 2012

2006-04-27T07:49:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to any women named Rose – gosh I’ve always thought that’s such a pretty name! Got too drunk last night and didn’t jot down anything so you’re stuck with repeats.
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I'm convinced that whoever makes those Rorschach Tests makes them all to look like vagina's, clitoris's, nipples and breasts - EVERY stupid card - and the "inkblots" that DON'T look like the aforementioned items are no more than pictures of spooge stains on hotel walls and ceilings! That Rorschach guy was a pervert.
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"Ground control to major Tom - Take your protein pill and put your helmet on." - Major Tom do this, Major Tom do that - why can't they just leave Major Tom the fuck ALONE in his tin can? What a bunch of pests, those Mission Control guys!
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Back in my day if we wanted to ensure we got passing grades in school all we had to do was get to the mailbox before our parents did and do some magic on the report card...turn that F into a B - turn that frown upside down! Kids nowadays don't have it so easy - to change their grades they need to be up on firewalls, cracking, IP spoofing, backdoors, Unix/Linux, scripting, etc.
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Little girls of a certain age love seahorses, stuffed animals, unicorns, and they love rainbows and sparkly things. Monkey Toys Inc., (a subsidiary of Monkey Labs, Inc.) has come up with a stuffed, rainbow colored, sparkly seahorse who is also a unicorn! We'll be rich! (Batteries sold separately) Warning: Stuffed animal may contain lead, may contain ortho-phenylphenol, This product may contain undeclared egg whites. Choking hazard)
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People think they're clever because they call those round looking eating utensils "Sporks" - "'cause they're half-spoons, half-forks" - but in reality they're more of a spoon than fork so they SHOULD be called "Foons" - but what do I know. I am working on a new invention; half-knife, half-spoon - I'm calling it the "Spife" - any financial backers?
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Things I learned when I was in the Boy Scout of America:
· Cigarettes & weed can best be transported to camping trips in the bottom of a rolled up sleeping bag.
· Tents are very flammable.
· A can of Right Guard deodorant, when thrown into a fire - will explode and provide a lot of fun for all.
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Monkey tip for guys: If you want to get laid - the next time you're in the shower and find one of her long hairs - place it on the shower wall so it sticks and move it around with your finger to form a heart shape - then tell her there's a message from you in the shower and that you love her. (DO NOT use your own pubic hairs and spell out "Me and you - tonight!" - it's impressive and thoughtful, but women wouldn't be impressed)
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I've decided if I'm ever shot I'm going to scream over and over again: "I'M HIT! I'M HIT!" I'll scream this in the ambulance, in the emergency room, everywhere - because it's not every day you get to scream "I'M HIT!" and I'm going to take advantage of it. (I may also start yelling "MEDIC!" – or “Officer Down!” would be fun to yell too – but I’m not a cop so that one would just be weird.)
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A Leed for a Spleet:
The other morning at Dairy Queen I got a banana split:
Drive-through intercom: "Would jew like a leed for the spleet?"
Me: "A what?"
Drive-through guy: "Jew want a leed for the banana spleet?"
Me: "A...leed?"
Drive through guy: "Jew want a COVER to put on the banana spleet you order!?"
Me; "OH! No, no thanks - no leed for it"

4/26, 2006

2006-04-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to all the pirates of old - ahhh, the pirates life is for me! Half new, half old.
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Don't you hate it when the doctor is checking your balls, he's down on a chair and he's got your balls in his hand and is making you turn your head and cough - but you're still in the waiting room with everyone else!?
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "People say that a woman eating a banana is sexy, but what I think is even more sexy is a woman sucking a big cock"
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If I were a prisoner I think it would be funny if when the guard walks down the line, if I took a handful of warm water from my cell sink, and run up and toss the warm water in his face. He'd of course get pissed off, thinking I threw sperm or urine in his face, and he'd open my cell and beat the living shit out of me, but I'd have the last laugh - 'cause I'd know it was really only warm water!
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Signs I've adapted living by myself again: I found a mostly-full box of Peeps left over from Easter and I think - "cool - I've got beer, and here's DINNER!"
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Sign you may be in a VERY dirty public restroom: The "Restroom Cleanliness" check off sheet on the back of the door was initialed not in pen or pencil - but they initialed it with a finger dipped in human shit!
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I have been messing with AIM these days - and saw a lady named "Linda4U2C69" - now what kind of sick parents would give a girl that name??!
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How lazy the Monkey is:
I notice I have to jiggle the handle of the toilet to get the stopper to fall in
3 weeks later: I open actually open the back of the toilet to see what's going on - decide I need a new chain and flapper-stopper thing.
2 weeks later: I am at Home Depot but forget to get the fuckin' thing.
3 weeks later: I remember what I need while in a hardware store and buy it - toss it on a table.
4 days later: I open the package and look at the chain and stopper thing
2 days later: I decide to change it because I can't take the jiggling the handle thing. I close up the toilet, flush it - and it works!
1 day later: I notice I must have set the chain-length too short because I have to hold down the handle now when I flush - I'm gonna have to open it up soon and fix that...

I think it's the 25th of April, 2010

2006-04-24T21:40:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Gwyneth Paltrow.
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If I were a kidnapper, I know from watching TV to ALWAYS ask for the ransom money in "unmarked bills". (And I wouldn't even begin to know how to ask for the money in "marked bills"!)
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I have a little tiny cheap VCR/TV that used to be color until the color stopped working. I was watching some porn the other night on this thing, when suddenly right in the middle of a hot redhead/blonde lesbian oral scene the color started working! I can't help but think this was perhaps God? Some sort of sign?
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I can't help but think if you were a person born perfectly normal except for you had two squid tentacles instead of arms - and you got pulled over by the cops and they started screaming "Keep your hands on the wheel sir!" - you could sue the government for a LOT of money for discrimination and harassment and you'd be rich squid boy! RICH!
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When boarding a plane, and the flight at the entrance to the plane says "Can I help you find your seat?" - there's something I've always wanted to say but never had the guts: "No - but I know where your seat for this flight will be - on my face."
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Who started this stupid "low rider" jeans trend? WTF. The Monkey thinks that maybe less than 5% of the women/girls I see wearing them SHOULD be wearing them.
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"Married Talk" by Monkey:
"How 'bout a lil' fun tonight honey?"
"Oh no no, I'm sorry - I'm really tired and I started my period today"
"Oh I'm sorry. Maybe a little oral fun for me then?"
"No no, I really just want to watch this show and then go to bed"
"Oh okay - how 'bout a hand job then? You can watch TV while you do it I don't mind"
"I just did my nails I'm sorry"

Seems like it's Monday, April the 24th, 2012

2006-04-24T00:27:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of Janis Joplin (1943 - 1970) Today's blog is 90% new and 15% old!
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"Wake Me When September Ends" by Green Day - how 'bout we rename it to "Wake Me When DJ's FINALLY quit playing this song already!!
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Monkey Tip of the Day: Guys - this works every time - get her super horny and wet and then when you go to take her panties off, act as if you toss them across the bedroom - but really you stuff the panties betweeny your matress and box springs. She'll get dressed later and be seaching for them - play ignorant and she'll go home pantyless. Later you'll have a really delightful smelly play toy to sniff when she's not there!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: Monkey Studios is proud to announce "John Deere Deer" (PG-17) A touching TRUE story! In 1970 in the John Deere Headquarters in Moline, Illinois. Marketing Executive Jacob Henderson (Jack Nicholson) thought it'd be a great idea to capture a real deer, dye it John Deere green and have it paraded around the country as the John Deer "Deer" mascot. Only problem was - the dye in the green paint Jacob used to dye the poor deer caused the membranes of the deer to become inflamed - and caused the deer to fall into insanity. Watch as the fire-eyed crazed green deer terrorized Moline, Illinois for 13 straight days - leaving behind 47 wounded, and three dead. (3 hrs, 2 min. Graphic violence, adult language, drug use/reference, sodomy, implied beastiality)
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How times have changed for the worse: In the old days, when someone was in prison relatives would bring them a ncie baked cake - with a file in it!!! Nowadays, when someone's in a prison, people smuggle them crack - in little balloons stuffed up their ass!
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Monkey Tip of the Day (2) Want really pretty cool colored, festive pee? Slam down those big stupid energy drinks like the Monkey does! ("Rock Star" is the best)
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I think even for for aliens there are tough choices to make in life. For instance, say you're sent down to Earth by your boss on a mission to Kansas to make some really cool crop-circle designs he's been working on, and just when you're about to land in the field to start your crop circle chores you spot a field full of cattle - practically BEGGING to be mutilated. Do you continue with your crop circle, or mutilate the cows instead?
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Monkey Laboratories latest invention: Disposable Wedding Rings! (DWR's) - are you one of those women who takes off your wedding ring and throws it across the room or out the window every time he pisses you off? Are you one of those guys who takes off your ring on business travels and accidently leaves it on the hotel night stand? NO MORE - these rings look just like the real deal but at a cost of only about $.40 each - feel free to be a drama queen and throw it in the trash in front of him - he won't even know the difference! Feel free to leave it in your car or hotel room when traveling - it's only 40 cents!
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Favorite confession from today's Grouphug: "I've mastered the technique of the ass-pen cannon. I lube up a pen and stick it in my ass and can shoot it out about 3 meters. I have even made little dents in the walls from my ass's powerful shooting force. I'm afraid that someday the military may abduct me and turn me into a weapon of mass destruction. I am a male."

9 out of 10 dentists say today is April 19th

2006-04-19T11:21:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to 50's rocker Duane Eddy - even though he was before MY time I love the guy's music.
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I just know that it's happened that some old lady has finally dared venture online, learns how to Google and enters "Facial" to learn about facials and found out all about those OTHER facials! And perhaps the same old lady has also gone to learn how to make a creampie for her grandkids.
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I've always wanted to dress up like an Indian chief and drive around the country to car washes - because those people workin' in the car wash have always heard that there ain't no tellin' who you might meet - A movie star or maybe even an Indian chief.
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Profound moments in Monkey's childhood: I was at a friend's house when I was a kid and this kid's sister had a really cool dollhouse and dolls. I was bored and started playing with it - I had the Mother and Father dolls getting it on in every possible position in every room - she gave him head on the living room couch, he fucked her doggy style on the bathroom floor, I was having a blast and thinking dollhouses CAN be fun when my friend's mother came upstairs and caught me with the father eating the mother out on the floor in the kitchen.
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I like to think that long, long ago in China, when that construction crew was finished building that pain-in-the-ass wall and they were saddled up to the bar afterwards knocking back Yaeger shots they probably had a toast and one of them said. "Boys - that was a GREAT wall we built today"
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Things that suck in real life but never happen in the movies: Your lady is straddling your face and she's sliding her sweet pussy up and down on your face and coming over and over again and your nose and face are all wet and you can hardly breath but you're controlling your breath expertly like when you're snorkling and suddenly you have to sneeze.
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I've always thought some of the most beautiful names in the world are names of common weeds, and fly-fishing lures. Some of my favorites (feel free to guess; weed or lure): Dirty Dora, Thundercrank, Emu Foot, Zara Spook, Cathead, Tiny River Runt Go-Deepers, Budda pea, Kevorkian, Blessed milk thistle, Queen Anne’s lace, Swamp Thing, Chickenbone Glow, Bloody Nose, Polish Pirate, White Goosefoot, Stinking Roger, Singapore Daisy, etc....

April 18th, 2009

2006-04-18T13:38:00.000-07:00

Today's bog is dedicated to one of the most beautiful women in movie history - Gene Tierney. Hope everyone had a great Easter. Some repeats today.
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Disappointing times in Monkey's life: I used to stare at "Magic Markers" when I was a kid - waiting on them to do SOMETHING magical and they never did - it was all a big farce like the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy
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Silly Monkey Thought of the Day: I think it would suck if you were a frency fryer guy at McDonalds and for some reason your eyeball fell out of your head and landed in the frying grease? It'd be all you could do to not scream and frighten the customers.
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Favorite confession from today's http://grouphug.us/ : "I was at my friends grandma's house and we were playing tag in the backyard, then his grandma came out and offered us some cookies and juice. Then she asked me if I had liked the grape taste in the juice so I punched her." (Jeez - picky picky picky!!! - Monkey)
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I'd love to be in the meeting room when hotel restaurant management sets their prices for room service - they've gotta be just rolling on the floor laughing, almost rolling over their crack pipes in laughter:
"How much should we charge for this hamburger meal?"
"I say $11.00!" one will say.
And they all bust out laughing and jot down $11 and move to the next item. Fun fun isn't it you assholes. Yuck it up you bastards.
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Speaking of hotels - my son is across the courtyard and I forgot my room key - "Hey! Do you have a key?" I yell out to him. He answers "No I just did awhile ago" (As if I would really ask him if he had to pee!)
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I'm thinking if you're a cow you'd need to be good at figuring. If your stomachs were upset - being that you have FOUR of them - and you're taking Pepto Bismol, the directions may say "Take one tablespoon" - you as a cow would then have to remember you've got to quadruple the prescribed dose. It would pay to be good at some basic math operations if you're a cow.

April the 13th, 2012

2006-04-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Zamfir, MASTER of the pan flute. Only two very profound, deep thoughts today. (I put one out yesterday evening, however) Everyone have a great Easter weekend and I'll be back with you around Tuesday!
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I think if you were an astronaut on the shuttle and you were strapped in beside your partner on the pad ready for lift-off, and you had to fart really badly - it'd be best to wait until you heard Mission Control saying "..three..two...one..liftoff" and THEN let one rip because no one could hear it over the noise, and I don't think the other astronaut would smell anything because there'd be rocket fuel burning.
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If I were a T-Rex and had those embarrassing short little stubby arms I'd make up something to make myself feel better - I'd tell the other dinosaurs "You know what they say...little hands...big dick!"

Today seems like April 12th, 1985

2006-04-12T14:53:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is deciated to the original "supermodel" - Janice Dickerson
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How times have changed: In the old days, young, poor new mothers who didn't want their newborn babies would leave them on hospital door steps or on the porch of a wealthy person. Nowadays they leave them in dumpsters and trash cans.
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Things that make the Monkey smile: Outside of a warehouse near my house, there's a huge cardboard compactor that takes tons of cardboard and compresses it into giant squares - and on the gate of this machine the sign reads "DO NOT ENTER"
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I think if it would suck if instead of a Monkey who blogs I was a Chinese blogging monk who lived 1000 years ago; you had to use that stupid brush and ink bullshit and sit crosslegged and you were only allowed to put ONE word per page. (Not to mention there was always some old bald and blind monk walking around with a wooden stick whacking people in the back. I hate that guy)
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No matter how far out in the country you move to get away from "Suburban Sprawl" you'll probably STILL see a blue plastic Wal*Mart shopping bag stuck on a barbed-wire fence. Sigh.
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Monkey Hobby: I like to stand for 37.9 minutes in the exchange/refund line of department stores just to ask them where the bathroom is.
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Monkey Childhood Lies: My mother told us when we were growing up that the shitty crime-ridden drug-infested places we lived were "apartment complexes" - but now that I'm grown and watch TV I know they were really PROJECTS.
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Things were simpler in the old west days in America. You could simply toss ONE coin on the bar and say "whiskey" and the bartender didn't ask you complicated questions - there was ONE kind of whiskey and you got a shot of it for that coin. Also you didn't have to drive around town drunk looking for whores - you didn't even have to leave the bar - they were all right upstairs.

April 11th, 2012

2006-04-11T06:29:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to anyone who has ever lost a child - that must really suck and I can't imagine the pain.
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I think it would suck if you were a Blood but you had some sort of weird hand deformity and every time you flashed the Blood gang sign in the hood to your gang-bangin' homeys it looked WAY too much like the Crip sign.
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Remember when you used to get a new phone book in the mail like maybe once or twice a year!? Now it seems every two months I get a new phone book and I'm too ignorant to know which one is the most useful or current so I have a whole shelf full of phone books! Arrghh!
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Real Life vs. Porn - by Monkey. In REAL life if you accidentally shoot cum in your lady's eye or nose you're gonna hear about it you fuckin' asshole! She'll be walking around with one bloodshot eye and bitching up a storm for hours!
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If I were to commit suicide I'd make it interesting for my family and the media by leaving behind a mysterious cryptic suicide "made for TV" note. Something like "Edgar Dante...Alaska...money" This would give people years worth of speculating and mystery and keep folks entertained.
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Don't you hate it when you're on the escalator in the mall and you're right behind/below a very hot young 19 year old with a beautiful ass and you can see her thong at the top of her tight jeans and you're enjoying yourself and getting hard when that fuckin' escalator ends and you trip and almost fall and everyone looks and laughs?
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How things change: When you're a kid you can sure be proud of your Boy Scout Merit Badges but shit man try wearing some of them to work when you're 41 years old and they LAUGH at you!? What gives?

April 10th, 2009

2006-04-10T06:04:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is dedicated to Marilyn Monroe. (Yep - again)
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I think it’d be cool if there was a guy named Michael Check Jr. – because when I saw him with his father I’d say “Mike Check, one, two. Mike Check”
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(Okay this can only get better)
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When the hotel says “You can just leave the key in your room when you check out”, I like to hide the key somewhere in the room. I guess I’m an asshole, but hey it’s a good way to test the housekeepers.
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If you carry a pocket protector in your shirt with all your pens you’re a geek, but what if you also carry in there a little “travel size” bottle of Astro-Glide™ with your pens? Would the girls in the break room stop laughing at you then or would they laugh at you more?
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If I were a construction worker or a roofer, I’d teach myself to go down ladders headfirst. This would immediately earn me admiration at almost any job site I was working on, and before long my cool construction worker nickname would be “Spider”
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Monkey Childhood Fantasy: I’m Shaggy in the Scooby Doo van and I’m finally alone with Daphne and I take her to the back of the van, set her pretty ass down on the wheel well and hike up her fuck-me mini-skirt – she’s got no panties on and a nicely trimmed hot wet beaver is in my face and I devour her pussy for two hours straight while she grips my shaggy hair and comes over and over again. (I was 11 when this was my fantasy)
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Signs you grew up poor white trash: You can remember ONE of your redneck racist stepfathers had a sawed-off table leg behind the seat of his pick-up truck and he proudly called it a “Nigger Knocker”
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If I were a gangsta gang-banger and they sent me out to do a drive-by shooting out in the hood I’d be terrible at it because I’m not real good with directions – and are the odd-numbered house numbers on the left side of the street or is that the even-numbered?!
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Doesn’t it suck when you’re a kid and your brother and you share a bunk bed and one night you’re jacking off up there in bed in the top bunk and you accidentally shake the bed when you come – that means the next morning at breakfast you have to fake an epileptic seizure so your brother won’t think you were waxing the dolphin last night?

April 6, 2012

2006-04-06T16:40:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to that dead gopher I saw today on the side of the road. Still super busy with work but next week I’ll be back to you – only have ONE new item today and the rest of repeats – but how many of you even know which are repeats?!
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Monkey's house-cleaning tip of the day: Cleaning the lint filter on your dryer? Ball it up and throw it BEHIND the dryer - you don't have to worry about it again until you move or get a new dryer and rats and mice can actually use the lint to line their nests.
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I think deer and moose probably spend a lot of time wondering – “Why do I have tree limbs growing out of my head!?”
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"You put the lime in the coconut, you drink them both together, put the lime in the cocount, then you'll feel better. Put the lime in the coconut, and drink them both up, Put the lime in the coconut, and call me in the morning." (Harry Nilsson 1971) - what the HELL? Has anyone here ever put the lime in the coconut and drank them both up? What will happen? Please someone put the lime in the coconut and drink it all up and get back to me on what happens, I've got to know!
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If I were a jellyfish I would learn to walk - to hold my breath and actually leave the ocean - and then I would walk up and down the beach - trying to hug people and watching them run away from me.
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "You guys who have little ones and lie about it and claim to have big ones make things bad on us guys who really DO have big ones - for we with big ones don't NEED to brag in the first place but if we ever DID want to brag you little ones men have already messed things up for us big ones men."
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Remember when we were kids and a "firewall" was part of a car?
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I saw a sign in restaurant bathroom the other day "Employees must wash hand before returning to work" (it never said which hand - but just one of them is good enough I guess)
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Montana has never been a big slave state I'm proud to say - did you know that to this day, along our highways you can still see signs that say "CHAIN REMOVAL AREA AHEAD" Montana didn't play that slavery thing.
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Note to self: Firefighters fail to see the humor in calling them to your house after you ate that chili and reporting that your ass is on fire.

They call today April 4th, 2006

2006-04-04T05:39:00.000-07:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to all the chickens in China. Work’s been kicking my ass and keeping me too busy but I’ve not forgotten you guys. Today’s just some of my favorites to let you know the Monkey lives.
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I know a lady who's addicted to playing Kino - she lives for it - I'm thinking she may need Kino-Therapy to get over this. (Okay don't leave yet - it'll get better...I hope)
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Do you think our trail blazing, American Pioneer friend Daniel Boone, when he was in a frisky mood and feeling fine, would ask his wife Rebecca for "Boone Tang"? I sure would if I were him. I'd bust through that log cabin door, throw off my coonskin cap into the corner and yell "Boone Tang! Boone Tang! Boone Tang!" Until Rebecca, wearing only her coonskin panties and a smile, would come to greet me.
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"Chlamydia" has a nice, pretty, feminine sound to it, like a flower almost, but you rarely meet any girls with this name - I don't understand.
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If I wore a pacemaker, whenever I saw a microwave oven in a public place, I would charge it and kick it and push it over. Hey...kill or be killed, right?!
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If I worked at a drive-thru on the intercom I'd tell people to "Please drive around to the third window" - and then giggle as I watched them drive on past me.
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Dairy Queen has a pretty good drink called the "MooLatte". If you pull into the DQ drive-through and ask for a "Mulatto" they don't even notice. The monkey finds this funny.
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If I lived in Texas when it came time to do laundry I'd call everyone into the laundry room and we'd play "Texas Fold 'Em".
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Another version of Eric Clapton's "Wonderful Tonight":
It's late in the evening
She's wondering what clothes to wear
She puts on her make up
And brushes her long blonde hair
And then she asks me
Do I look alright
And I say well, you look sorted of bloated tonight - are you raggin'?
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If I were Thomas Alva Edison in my laboratory, every now and again I'd open my window and yell out to the people "You lazy bastards stop waiting on ME to invent shit for you! Get off your lazy asses and invent something yourself! Do I have to invent every-frickin'-thing FOR YOU!?" - and then I'd slam the window shut and giggle like a small girl.

Thursday the 30th

2006-03-30T16:24:00.000-08:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to the grocery store “Piggly Wiggly” – when I grew up that’s where everyone shopped – and I moved away but over the years when I go back home I see “the Pig” (as we called it) – and I know I’m home again.
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If I were one of those cool snake charmer dudes in India with the basket and the flute and the snake, every now and again I’d leave the snake at home to rest up and I’d cut a hole in the bottom of the basket, set it on my lap, and stick my dick up through the hole. I’d then play my flute to “charm my snake” and I’d encourage people to come up and touch the snake – but careful man – that’s a Spitting Cobra!!
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I miss that old screensaver from “back in the day” – where the guy is on the riding lawnmower perpetually cutting grass, back and forth, back and forth, I’d watch him for hours just to see if he’d ever said “Fuck THIS shit yo!”, shut down his lawnmower and headed to the house for a cold beer. He NEVER did – even when I set the “Grass Growth” setting to the highest!
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When it’s storming really badly outside, with lightening and everything, I’ll fall down to my knees, look up, and yell “I DARE you to strike me dead God!!!” (But I wouldn’t dare go outside in the rain to do this – that’d be pushing my luck
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In the old 1950’s sitcoms, the parents would just loudly say a kid’s name and within 1.311 of a second the kid would come JOYFULLY running down the stairs – “Yes Mom/Dad?” they’d say. I don’t know what kind of weed those kids were smoking back then but I’m pretty sure it’s not the same stuff my kids smoke.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: “Sheep Counter” (PG-17) – Monkey Studios, Inc. presents the touching story of a lone sheep herder (Mel Gibson) who falls asleep every time he has to count his sheep – and when he wakes up, every fuckin’ time the sheep have scattered! (3 hrs, 05 min Graphic Violence, extreme sexual situations, strong language, simulated bestiality, nudity)
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Another thing about the ‘50’s – back then if men were beating their wives they knew you HAD to wear one of those dingy wife-beater tee-shirts. Men have lost something since those days I think – these days on COPS all the wife beaters don’t even wear a shirt!

March 28th or some shit...

2006-03-28T12:05:00.000-08:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to that French lady on Rod Stewart’s “Tonight’s the Night” song. Damn ANY lady purring like that in French...wow. (Trivia: That was Swedish actress Britt Ekland) Lots of repeats today – sorry – work, sleep, and drinking have prevented me from writing much new material.
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“Crew 1! Banks! Rollands! Nigga!” That’s what was written on the bathroom wall over the urinal in a bar last night – I don’t know what it MEANS – but I can’t stop saying it! Crew 1! Banks! Rollands! Nigga! Try it out! Say it!
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My grandmother was always allowed to go around the house farting and it was excused because she'd say "Goodness! This medication!" (But when I try it in my house and add "Goodness! This beer!" - it's not acceptable. I don't get it.)
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Monkey Studios Inc. Future Movie Idea of the Day: We're currently filming a new movie about a young married black couple who have a problem: the lady can't shake the urge to have sex with a white guy - and the husband's not diggin' this idea at all! Her name is Polly and this is the story of her quest for some white lovin'. We're calling this one "Polly Want A Cracker" and it's to be released next November.
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I want to meet the brilliant guy at the dog food company who decided to put coupons IN the 50 lb bag of dog food. Please bring him to me. Dead or alive. My dog is not amused by those coupons falling out in her dog bowl either, Mr. Smart Ass.
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Things the Monkey wonders about: I wonder - where are "the tubes" - we're always told that someone or something is "going down the tubes" - but I have YET to see ANY tubes out there. Can someone please locate these mysterious "tubes" for me?
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I think if you were an alien and came down to Earth one night to do cattle mutilations the other aliens would get upset with you if you instead cut off pieces of the meat, took it back to the UFO, cured it, and started making beef jerky and giving it away back on your alien planet to friends and family. That's for scientific experiments fool!
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I think if you got caught looking at hardcore porn by your boss and you said you were "looking for ways to fuck our competition" that the boss wouldn't believe you.
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Historical Blogs the Monkey would like to see:
August 23, 79 AD: "Another day in Pompeii! Work was great - hardly anything to do - but I have a feeling tomorrow we're going to be buried"

March 27th, 2009

2006-03-27T07:52:00.000-08:00

Today’s blog is dedicated to my friend with the blue ear tag “4141” – here in Montana calves (“baby cows” to you city slickers) are being born left and right – and the little things get under the fence wire and into the streets sometimes. I put “4141” back under the fence with it’s mother yesterday – and promised a blog dedication.
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A lot of people don’t care for Manatees – but I say give them their props.
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I know a guy who rolls up carpet for a living, he also rolls his own cigarettes, and he can roll a mean joint – I guess that’s just how he rolls.
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When I was a kid we had high aspirations; why there was “BJ & The Bear”, “Moving On”, “Convoy”, “Smokey & The Bandit”, etc….ahhh, the trucking life is for me good buddy.
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Things the monkey wonders about: When I was a poor white trash cracker boy growing up down south I’d run around in K-Mart barefoot – why did that always make the bottom of my feet turn completely black!?
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People who need to be pimp-slapped: That fucker that invented the three-pronged electrical cord – fuck off with that shit will ya?!
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If I just joined a monastery and the next morning the other monks came by at 4 AM to wake me for morning prayers and meet me – I’d yell through the door “Jesus Christ it’s 4 fuckin’ AM in the morning! You fuckers get up THIS early to pray!? Goddamn!!” (Of course really I’d be ready to get up and pray – but it’d be a good way to break the ice when they found out I was only joking.

Weekend Monkey Thoughts

2006-03-25T13:19:00.000-08:00

Today’s weekend blog is dedicated to the memory of Jimi Hendrix – to this day you blow people’s minds. Today’s blog: half new, half oldies!
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I was in a restaurant today, and went to the bathroom - I was about to wash my hands when I saw a sign above the sink: "Employees Must Wash Hands" - so I waited, and waited - no employee showed up - what a rip off - I had to wash my own hands.
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Monkey Future Prediction: (I know, what OTHER kind of prediction IS there!?) In the year 2008, people finally have had enough of cheap CD jewel cases that break so easily and a company in Waltzburg, Mississippi will make a fortune with a new unbreakable CD case. * In the year 2019, an Arizona woman will give birth to twins – a boy and a girl – and doctors are amazed to find the otherwise healthy girl twin is pregnant!
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Things that suck: You hook up with an old friend you’ve not seen in years – meet up again to party, and find they’re “born again”.
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If you were a chicken leg and someone was rolling you in flour to fry you, and it tickled, you could say you were ROFL (Rolling on the Flour Laughing)
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Okay that was just stupid
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Monkey's favorite inspirational quote: "Build a man a fire, and he'll stay warm for a day - set a man on fire, and he'll be warm the rest of his life"
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Wouldn't it suck if you were a caveman, and you were the local inventor - and all the other cavemen are pressuring you to invent the wheel, but instead you invented a Cisco 1700 Series modular and fixed-configuration access router? The other caveman would be scratching their heads and saying "Uhmmgh!...What the fuck is THIS!?!?"
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If I were a fire fighter and in a burning house, I think it would be a good time to go into the lady’s bedroom and snoop around in her panties – I’d try to sniff the ones in her dirty clothes but I’ll bet with all the smoke in there and my fire fighter’s mask I couldn’t smell much.

I'm not sure what the date is...

2006-03-22T23:18:00.000-08:00

is one's dedicated to Stewie Griffin.
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I have to get this out of my system: ""One One" was a race horse, "One Two" was one too, One One won one race, and One Two won one too"
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Monkey Tip of the Day: If you're ever in a head-on collision, and your windshield is shattered because you went through it - while you're out there on the highway scoop up some of those little bits of windshield greenish square pieces of glass - they make GREAT aquarium gravel. (Warning: Do NOT use glass imbedded in your forehead as bodily fluids may be dangerous to your fish)
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Monkey Invention of the Day: "Monkey Ice Maker" (MIM vb1.2) - tired of hearing the stupid ice maker in the kitchen "take a dump" in the middle of the night? Monkey Labs, Inc. has invented a "polite" ice maker - when the ice falls into the bucket below, sensors in the bucket actually play pre-recorded audio "Ooops - sorry - that was loud" - and "I apologize"
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The house that I grew up in to this day I'm sure still has about one-inch gashes in almost all the walls. Reason: Mom worked a lot of hours at her job and we kids were home alone a lot, and, well, one day at a flea market I paid $1.50 for a "Genuine Chinese Kung-Fu Throwing Star" and my brother Roger pissed me off.
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I'll bet the first "pocket pussy" ever made was back in cave-man days: you take the wing of a still warm but dead Terradactyl and cut out a piece of the wing web and sort of roll it into a sock-like deal, you then put some warm Ankylosaurus blood in there and on your cave-man cock, and have it cave man stud!
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "CORN DOG" - the touching feel-good story of "Jack" - a dog who lives on a Kansas corn farm and helps his owner, the farmer, around the corn farm. Everything's fine until the farmer brings home a whore he picked up in town and things aren't ever the same between Jack and the farmer. (2 hrs, 04 min) (Graphic violence, nudity, adult situations, implied biestiality, drug use, sodomy)

It's March 21, 2006

2006-03-21T16:48:00.000-08:00

Today’s blog is not only very late, but it’s all repeats! I’m so sorry – work got me today and I had no time. Please don’t be mad…please don’t spank the Monkey!
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If I taught an Anger Management Class each evening at 7 PM - I'd make sure to show up at 7:20 PM.
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I hear white people say about someone: "He can kiss my white ass!" - and I hear blacks saying: "Kiss my black ass" - and some REALLY white people say "He can kiss my lilly-white ass" I'm wondering - if you're white, chances are PRETTY good you're going to have a white ass - and if you're black, the odds of you having a black ass are also pretty good. Why must we clarify our ass color when we tell someone to kiss it? Is it in case they kiss the wrong ass?
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Do male tigers wake up in the morning with tiger wood?
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Born On A Bayou" lyrics - Creedence Clearwater Revival: "And I can still hear my old hound dog barking, Chasing down a hoodoo there, Chasing down a hoodoo there"
My own dog would be totally lost if she had to chase down a hoodoo. As a matter of fact I'd be lost too because I wouldn't even know what a hoodoo looks like - do you?
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You know not to fold, spindle or mutilate - but if someone told you that you HAD to spindle something would you even know where to begin?
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Monkey Quote of the Day: "Life is like the dryer at the end of the automatic car wash: if you take it too slowly the thing will shut off before you're completely dry, but if you take it too fast you leave a lot behind"
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Sure they TELL YOU that they like someone who "can think on their feet" at interviews - that's what they SAY - but later they'll fire you for never being at your desk or at work.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "BED BOUND" (PG-17) - after a wild night of drinking and wild sex, a young woman named Jodi Yeknom awakes to find she is literally stuck to her bed with dried cum, dried vomit and dried up spilled beer. You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll never forget this movie, based on a true story that occurred in North Dakota in 1992. (2 hrs, 3 min Graphic sex scenes, nudity, sodomy, strong language)

March 20, 2006

2006-03-20T06:23:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the Memory of Don Knotts - I'll miss you Don - you sure did make the Monkey laugh. I've got a few oldies in here for the helluvit.
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Don't you hate it when you're in a loud bar with a band playing and your friend yells to you "My Mother died today!" - but you thought he said "Check out the hot young piece of ass in the red skirt shooting pool" and you say "Dude one night last week I took her home from here and fucked the living hell out of her all night long!"
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Things I've learned from watching cartoons: If you have an actual mouse hole in your wall, no matter how nice your house, NEVER board it up or repair it. And if you take a flashlight and peek in there, you'll find an actual little bed and furniture in there.
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Cops don't like it when they're "hiding out" along the highway doing speed checks and you park way off and sneak up behind their car on foot and kick the side of their car (as a funny joke) Gosh man lighten UP will ya? And could you loosen up these cuffs?
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As a kid I always thought it was cool the way they put the toothpaste on toothbrushes in commercials - they cover the entire brush and they put a cool little wavy swirl on the end....'till one day my Mom caught me doing this with the toothpaste and all hell broke loose ("Do you have ANY IDEA how much that stuff costs!?" etc. etc.
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Signs the Monkey is immature: When they have one of those "Your speed is.." gadgets along the road I purposely drive exactly 69 MPH just so everyone can see it, and then I giggle. (I just wish I'd known it was a school district!)
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I think even for for aliens there are tough choices to make in life. For instance, say you're sent down to Earth by your boss on a mission to Kansas to make some really cool crop-circle designs he's been working on, and just when you're about to land in the field to start your crop circle chores you spot a field full of cattle - practically BEGGING to be mutilated. Do you continue with your crop circle, or mutilate the cows instead?

St. Patrick's Day, 2006

2006-03-17T05:35:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to you fun Irish out there!
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They say to seriously think about worst-case scenarios in life and how we will react. I've already decided, if I ever wake up and find I've shrunk down to about a half an inch tall, I'm going to find a bag of Fritos Scoops and use one of 'em as a really cool recliner type chair.
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Where I'm from, if you ask someone directions they always do the "You'll wanna.." thing, which makes the Monkey laugh. "You'll wanna continue south on 25 and then you'll wanna take the Larsen exit and there you'll wanna turn south..."
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When I was a kid in school I spent so much time with my desk out in the hallway away from the others that when I finally DID get let in the classroom, I hardly knew any of the other kids.
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(And that was home schooling)
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I think if you were an old west saloon piano player and a bad-ass gunslinger came into the saloon and everyone stopped what they were doing and it got quiet but you didn't notice and kept playing your piano you may get fired or at least get a stern talking-to by the saloon owner for not following old west saloon protocol.
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I think if you were an old west saloon piano player and a bad-ass gunslinger came into the saloon and everyone stopped what they were doing and it got quiet but you didn't notice and kept playing your piano you may get fired or at least get a stern talking-to by the saloon owner for not following old west saloon protocol.
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: (I may have had this movie idea before but am too lazy to go back in the archives and see) "TREE HUGGER" (PG-17) - the touching story of Rick Owens, an Earth First activist who chains himself up to a tree to stop a logging operation. Watch as he climbs high in the tree, chains himself up, and tosses away the key. Watch as he waits for the press and his activist buddies to show up. The only problem: Rick never WAS any good at reading a map and finding his way around the woods and he's 216 miles from the actual logging operation. Watch in horror as woodland creatures take turns having their way with the activist. Watch as he dies - hugging a tree. (3 hrs, 17 min) Contains graphic violence, adult situations, bestiality, sodomy)
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I think if you were a fly and you were getting ready to go down on your girlfriend, because of your screwy fly eyes that make you see 200 of everything, you'd stick out your little fly tongue to taste her but wouldn't know which coochy was the right one and you'd get embarrassed and probably just fly away and go sit down on a dog turd and rub your hands and feet together for awhile.

It's sometime in March

2006-03-15T18:09:00.000-08:00

Today's blog - dedicated to Rosario Dawson.
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I think it would suck if you were having a seizure and out in the snow - everyone walking by would simply say "Ohh how cute, he's making a snow angel!" and walk on by. People are so cruel
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I've said it before and I'll say it again - all porn sites should change their URL ending to .CUM - that way it'd be easy to pick out the good stuff - and that way your wife/girlfriend/parents could say "You can play online for a bit - but I better not come in here and see any cum on that monitor!"
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If I were an alien who landed on the Earth in my spaceship, I'd wait until all the greeny bleeding-hearts got up to the door of the UFO and blast them all into oblivion, now I'm sorry, but if I were an alien I'd be sick and tired of people thinking they can just "talk to us" or "REASON" with us - that's all Hollywood man - I'll fuckin' kill all of you human bastards like they did in UFO movies back in the 50's!!!
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I have a post office box and I've found it's easy just to push all that unwanted mail right back through the box onto the floor of the post office. (I think the only drawback to this is that a lot of those bills have my name on them.)
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I'll bet it would suck if you were in a famous Christian Rock band and you were back stairs getting high and getting a BJ from a young groupie girl, and your cool Christian Rock cross necklace kept hitting her in the forehead as she slurped on your "holy grail"
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I'll bet it's embarrassing, but it happens, it' something most birds won't even talk about, but I'll bet it happens that the mother bird is sitting on her egg waiting for it to hatch and the chick decides to break out at that moment, and pushes its little beak up through the egg and it goes right up the mother bird's ass. Perhaps for some mother birds it felt pretty good, but that's not something they would ever, EVER admit to.

2006-03-14T19:21:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to my new little friends I got today - two Albino Clawed Frogs; "Jäger" and "Marilyn" - so far, they love their new Daddy.
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I can't help but hope that somewhere out there in this wide world, there is an actual occupation where a guy dives down in the ocean to retrieve people's ear muffs that have fallen off their heads. And they proudly call themselves: "The ear MUFF DIVERS" - and they drive around in a van with a sign: "Muff Divers, Inc."
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If years ago you worked in an asbestos factory during the day, and at night in a factory making lead paint, and you smoked but quit to get a silicon breast implant, and then you went on phen-phen - if you got cancer - who would you sue?
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That Big Buckin' Chicken commercial by Burger King: Classic.
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If there's one thing the Monkey's learned from the movies, it's that if you need to sneak into a building or office, for fuck's sake DO NOT get the brilliant idea of crawling through the ventilation shaft - you KNOW it's gonna give way and you're gonna fall on your ass!
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Things the Monkey wonders about: When they strap you down in the death chamber to do those lethal injections - do they do a little demo of how to work the seat belt apparatus on the straps? A lot of those guys on death row haven't flown probably in years and don't know how to work those!

Monday, March 13th

2006-03-12T19:15:00.000-08:00

Today's blog is dedicated to the memory of all those people killed by vending machines falling on them because they were rocking it because the bag got stuck and wouldn't fall. They make the Monkey laugh - they actually traded their lives for D4: the Fritos Flavor Twist Honey BBQ (The big bag - 65 cents) Hey that Monkey has sprinkled today's blog with older stuff! The bastard!
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If you were Mr. Edward Smeer and you had grand kids - would they call you "Pappy Smeer"?
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day: "INK SPOT" (R) The touching, true rags to riches story of Frank Davis - a man who started a T-shirt craze - a T-shirt with a pocket that has a fake ink stain, as if a ball-point pen leaked. People at first love it, and Frank makes millions. But the bottom falls out quickly as people realize that more than a few people have the shirt and therefore it's not funny any more. You'll laugh, you'll cry, but you'll never be the same again. (2 hrs, 05 min. (Violence, sodomy, extreme sexual content, eye-gouging, invasive medical scenes)
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Difference between men and women:
(Scene: Woman notices a lump on her breast while in the shower - 47 seconds later on the phone) "Hey Barb how are ya?...good, good...hey does Dr. Emerson have any appointments this morning?.....okay...yeah...sure...great I'll see you then thanks Barb"
(Scene: Man notices a lump on his favorite testicle while he's scratching his balls one day) Two weeks later: "If this thing gets any bigger than a marble I'm going to the doctor" Four months later: "If this thing gets any bigger than a golf ball I'm goin' in"
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Remember in the old days when the picture on the TV went screwy you could slap the shit out of the side of the TV and fix it. Now you only look ignorant doing that - you can't reach that satelite buddy!
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Monkey Quote of the Day "The best thing about being a FedEx guy is that everywhere you go women are checking out your package."
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Monkey Movie Idea of the Day (2): "Bi-Polar" (PG-17) - the touching, true story of a polar bear in Alaska who learns he not only enjoys the lady bears, but gets just as excited about some of the male bears he meets also. He struggles with these feelings and his sexuality most of the movie - and only at the end of the movie does he come to terms with being a bi-polar bear. (Graphic violence, sexual situations, nudity, sodomy, drug use) (1 hr, 20 min)
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If you were one of those guys with the drug-sniffing dogs that worked at the airport, I'll bet you'd end up getting pretty upset with your dog on the weekends when you're off work if he kept tearing up your house to get at your glaucoma medicine, and then stood there pawing at it and barking. You'd probably have to end up using a rolled up newspaper to get him to turn loose of your pot and yelling at him - "why can't you leave work AT WORK!!?"

Sunday Weekend Edition

2006-03-12T06:32:00.000-08:00

Today’s little weekend edition blog is dedicated to Sly & The Family Stone. Remember them? They could lay down some nice tracks back in the day. I understand that Sly is pretty much a drooling vegetable after too many drugs
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Don’t you hate it when you’ve been up all night knockin’ back shots of tequila at the tittie bar and you’ve only had about an hours sleep before work – but you go to work anyway, half-drunk and hung over and you can’t keep your eyes open –and your boss just WON'T let up on you or leave you alone: “United Airlines 419 – please adjust your altitude and bearing!” yeah yeah yeah whatever. “United Airlines 419 do you copy?!” – leave me ALONE!
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The Samual Adams Beer factory workers – are any of you guys NOT drinking the stuff as you make it? I gotta send in an application!
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If I worked at Wal*Mart and that stupid exit door alarm went off (like it does about every 37 seconds), I’d have some fun with the customers – when someone leaving set that alarm off I’d run over, throw them on the ground and jam the muzzle of a .357 Magnum into the side of their head. “Show me the fuckin’ receipt NOW asshole!!!” I’d yell. Sure it would upset some customers and maybe some children but once I let on that I was just messing around I think they’d have a good laugh over it.
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After (finally) seeing BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, I’ve come to the conclusion that if I saw my cowboy buddy over there in that nice warm tent and I was cold and drunk, I’d have gone back down the valley and grabbed up one of those nice little sexy, hot, plump sheep with the big beautiful eyes and bedded down for the night. (With my Velcro gloves on, of course)
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My grandparents weren’t exactly the most politically correct couple in the world. On long trips us kids in the back seat (with no seat belts) would pass up garbage to them just so they’d roll down “the glass” and toss it out along the highway. We did this not because we hated the environment – but because Grandma chain smoked Pall Malls and it was the only way we could get some air!